K-Meds.

When the cns is hyperactivated it creates such a neurological stress upon the body and mental resources that it is profoundly difficult to live a normal life, in fact it would be more fatal in terms of consequential thinking to not use some 'helpers', i know it can be more debilitating than a severely mentally ill patient, because it is tricky to diagnose properly, and may even be more difficult to medicate since no medical practitioner have any experience nor knowledge in this field of mystical states. It can be dangerous to go through the process alone without the sufficient tools of the trade, leading to suicidal ideation or actual suicide.

Worry, worry, and -- worry.

headache, head pressure,

restlessness,

psychomotory agitation,

just waiting for it to wear off,

hopefully it will last only for a few more days,

i can only hope to get relief,

it has only been an interference to my k process,

hope it wears off,

it can't stay in my body forever,

right?

Sleep Deprivation, Increased Fear, Impending Doom, Energy Rocketing.

sleep deprivation,

increased fear,

anxiety,

increased dread,

feelings of impending doom,

less stability,

rocking,

energy rocketing,

Redemption, The Broken Circle. Fear Of My Thoughts, Mystery Draught.

after the healing grace,

redemption in the haze,

death took place,

no more healing i can face,

the fear,

the shadow,

the broken circle,

fragments of endurance,

a mystery draught,

on the table,

i seek,

but shall not likely find,

Days Of Withdrawal, Near Catatonia, Untold Suffering, Like Giving Birth, Rebirthing.

days of withdrawal,

exaggerated worry,

incessant dread,

going through it all,

this day's been a near catatonia,

deeper down the limbo of purification,

belies only untold suffering,

cannae afford to look so much back,

like giving birth,

the trauma is a lesson,

in suffering,

and birth,

my case rebirthing,

Unholiness Of Spirit, Malignantly Adapted Awakening Process, Anchor Oneself, Kierkegaard.

life is meaningless in itself,

if we identify with the unholiness of our spirit,

we identify more or less with the welfare of our spirituality,

if the not so holy energy allows us to go beyond the normality of our daily triviality,

we become unnormal to a restricted perspective that most people then have,

in comparison to our newfound bliss,

hadn't it been such a bliss-value, it would not have been a wholly beneficial process,

rather a chance it be a degenerative one,

therefore it is safe to assume that man will go to great depths of profoundness,

into the creaks and corners of the mind that may not be pleasant at all,

all for the greater good,

motivation is always the awesome healing potential,

a degenerative process is not necessarily,

a malignantly adapted awakening process,

true freedom is without boundaries,

but without any boundary, there is infinitely difficult to anchor oneself,

suffice, there has to be a balance between space and earth communication,

the biggest dilemma would be to gain certainty in a too vast space,

kierkegaard tried to understand this, the degree of uncertainty,

is relevant to the qualia of anxiety,

The Creeper.

one who finds out,

through an inspecting nature and careful discernment,

an intelligent one,

the only way is to creep around,

and gain information,

ideally attain inside information,

so as to,

gain the upper hand,

there's a war to be fought,

but with the right knowledge,

it need not be a bloody one,

that's why it's imperative,

to gain some kind of useful advantage,

something something,

wish i didn't know anything,

mind blank,

but now i know,

and that's gotta be worth something,

at least i know,

something,

this could then prove beneficial,

this knowledge,

hence why i am creeping around,

Wedding.

i am going to a wedding tomorrow,

err,

not necessarily going,

rather i'd stay in asker and drink.. lax..,
a sense of carelessness anyhow,
but i must go,
and go i shall then

Lingering Plague, Dire Need Of Cultivating The Innermost, I Stay In Shelter, Have To Become A Survivor.

there is a lingering plague,

a new, difficult dilemma arose,

i am in dire need of resolving this increasing inner death,

it is not always a destructive mind that creates destruction,

sometimes it is the sum of a certain amount of circumstances,

that create destructive consequences,

that is not ones own doing,

i am in dire need of cultivating the innermost,

into a livable inner cosmic atmosphere,

it is indeed maddening, often outright disturbing,

i cling to some safety,

i'm no longer able to do what most people can,

yet i can do things none can,

as magically as it may sound, doesn't matter if none believe me,

i know for certain the wisdom of the sages,

the mystical perception, that is beyond rationality,

that non-rationality,

that is a result of,

dabbling in psyche-neuroticism,

an everyday psychenaut, in an advanced intensivity course,

in my own school of autodidactism,

i stay in shelter,

the energy is so transforming,

yet painful psychologically to bare,

but i cannot do other than make the best,

out of this never ending nightmare,

be positive when it is most needed,

become a talent for highly intelligent self-healing,

whenever needed,

i have to become a survivor,

in this sometimes messy ordeal

Can Have It All, No More The Ego Meander Off Into Desires.

can have it all,

don't need it,

not even my sanity,

i can have all,

by having nothing,

it is elusive,

that nothingness,

that makes me feel whole,

and beyond wholeness of being,

so serious, so advanced

life is not always light-hearted,

don't want to joke everything away,

every moment is a moment of,

potential limitlessness,

elusive as it is,

no wonder why,

enlightenment happens upon death,

at the end,

all that is left is surrender,

no more,

the ego meander off,

into desires,

Rampaging Headache, Wide Awake.

the energy built up,

the headache is rampaging,

it is scary how bad it can become,

from heaven to hell,

the mind won't calm down,

the energy for some reason went haywire,

and it was not calculated,

this is weird and disrupting,

maybe i should allow the energy to surface,

in however it will manifest,

to surrender is not easy,

even after 3 years,

i'm wide awake,

i feel inflicted by a spiritual disease,

until i allow the energy to manifest,

maybe it will subside,

then the disease becomes a rejuvenating one,

just another hell,

should survive this one too,

life is suffering,

Inner Steam, In Denial, Post-Halt It, Logical Prefrontal Lobe Way.

i hold it in,

for a very long time,

the inner steam,

is aching to fuel the machinery,

i am negative,

in denial,

it doesn't exist now,

i reject it's surfacing,

or rather post-halt it,

there is a long time-gap,

when the steam is increasing,

increasingly,

it is trying to surface,

steam building up,

franticly so,

makes for a frantic mind,

if i can can be eased,

through sterile environment,

i can pump the engines with lots of steam,

and come into a normal functioning,

in a hyper activated,

logical prefrontal lobe way,

i am mechanically,

extra-terrestrially,

magnificent,

Another Round Of Sleeplessness, Healing Past Trauma, Meaninglessness, Deep Shadow-Dusk, Blind In Explorations.

another round of sleepless night,

work is something i enjoy, but as long as i'm not getting enough rest,

this insomnia-tendency is breaking down my willpower and tearing on my endurance,

i reckon i've had worse, but i don't recall those experiences very pleasant,

healing the past trauma,

the autonomous shock of 'something',

greater than myself,

it evolves into a secret to mankind, one that is with me through thick and thin,

and i do continue the incessant bravery,

always, i have to test the limits, even if i don't 'really' want to,

coincidences make an opening,

for meaninglessness,

the testing of my mental resilience,

i don't see any meaning to that,

will it again give me great faith and confidence,

to struggle with anguish,

and metaphysical meandering,

without a lantern, in deep shadow-dusk,

i am blind in my explorations,

as if the only, or at least one way to newfound redemption,

is paving through the hardest seeming 'obstructions' in my human psyche,

Nowhere.

finally I found my path,

i'm going!

i'm going nowhere,

Philosophy, Mechanism Or Rule-Based Approach, My Own Way.

I wouldn't even want to study philosophy at this time, because it is a hinderance to my own unique reading in this spiritual endeavour. I don't want to be polluted with any bias or pre-constructed ideas from other philosophers. I am in a sense a philosopher myself, one going unmistakably through a (seemingly) advanced and permanent kundalini awakening process, at least I have had no signs of this energy going back into dormancy. I am secretly a P.G.Krishna poster-child and mayhaps even a Nietzsche one. Lately I have met a small hinderance in regards to expressing my thoughts in written form, a combination of k developing a mental daze whilst sitting for prolonged periods in front of the computer and a lack of ability to bring up the usual vocabulary and progressively develop it. My language is very advanced in emotions thus there is an urging need to testament them. My language is a combination of autodidacticism and healing laze, my reading is not affected by any other than the possible perception my extraordinary process might give, and whether it's a non-understood process, I am in a constant chemical flux, therefore I have submit only to the dynamic flux and therefore not constructed rule-based mechanisms of approach in my life. It is very hard to be definitive whilst going through a process that is yet unknown in definition, only that it is the spiritual joker that pulls the very strings of my trans-rationality. One result here is the occasional submergence into the mystical ocean of creation, and that creative ocean then polish the mind in an intensity such as the sea-waves grinding the edge of a rock, any misshapenness is molded into a design that even a sculpturer would admire.

Pieces Falling Into Place, Fragments Of My Life.

pieces falling into place,

fragments of my life,

even a monday can outdo a promising sunday,

even a tuesday can outdo a saturday,

a wednesday can be of friday mood,

a thursday can be a day off,

Alternative.

If all fail and nothing works, might as well do as ye will for there is no more sorrow than not conquering the day, in the many ways it can be done. It is more than just the duty of others, that's more or less insignificant to the process.

Consciousness Death And Misdiagnosed Insanity.

Cult of Death is the thought that life is an illusion and there is a way to escape from it, through conscious death, meaning to die consciously without dying. There are ways to temporarily experience higher states of consciousness through the use of psychedelic drugs, thought there is a chance it will permanently open the doors to the mystical.. The kundalini awakening process is what all yoga aim for, and what some psyche-nauts also aim for, the end goal. The final goal that opens up another world. In some cases a person undergoing the remarkable transformation known as kundalini awakening process might have been rendered psychotically ill. A sorry case to be misunderstood by society. In actuality the world is not yet ready to accept kundalini awakening as an 'acceptable mystical phenomenon'. In fact all these mystical, or spiritual experiences may highly likely be interconnected but misunderstood, and has become a key-word for insanity, such as bipolar 1 disorder, schizophrenia, and various psychotic disorders. It is easy then to understand why psychiatrists and doctors misdiagnose people, the spiritual awakening and psychological upheaval becoming a mania to that one of the bipolar.

Energy Of Awakening - Part 1 Of 3.

human beings carry within them an amazing secret. . . a secret so profound and buried so deep even they have forgotten it. The potential implicit in the recovery of this secret involves access to resources, powers and abilities of such magnitude as to cause an amazing evolutionary process in which the human being transforms and evolves into a condition wherein one is capable of direct, conscious union with the incomprehensible mystery known as the self.

this process functions along forces and influences of natural law. It is most effective in the arena of transformation, and generates the evolution of identity which must occur for the individual consciousness to expand to the level of awareness known as universal.

it is the awakening of kundalini, the power reflex of time, the primal force of creation and transformation that initiates this process.

Remembrance Of That.

remembrance of 'that'

seemed like an eternity past

that aztec sun

burned solid

the thunderous wind

disciplining and stirring great ocean

the words incoherent

mind and body in a beyond crisis

nervous system overdrive

that's

what i got

a sacred 'would-be' experience

hadn't it been a psychedelic nightmare

for a 'wet-behind-the-ears'

unable to vocalize the miraculously rare soul language

memories is then

all i've got

A Snippet Of P.G.Krishna

"Comparing my later stable mental condition with what it had been in the initial stages, after the crisis, the realization came to me that I had escaped the clutches of insanity by the narrowest margin, and that I owed my deliverance not to any effort of mine, but to the benign disposition of the energy itself. In the primary stages, particularly before the crisis, for certain very cogent reasons the vital current appeared to be acting erratically and blindly like swollen water of a flooded stream which, pouring out through a breach in the embankment, rushes madly here and there trying to scour out a new channel for its passage. Years later I had an inkling of what had actually happened and could guess at the marvel lying hidden in the human body, unsuspected, waiting for the needed invocation from the owner and a favorable opportunity to leap to action, when, ploughing its way through the flesh like the diverted stream in flood, it creates new channels in the nervous system and the brain to endow the fortunate individual with unbelievable mental and spiritual powers."

Surviving the transformational process in our society is not easy. At times would seem like a foolhardy 'psycho-spiritual' journey.

A Bit Of Blues And Death.

woke up, woke up one morning,

the day planned before my eyes,

on the sidewalk, i met death in an alleyway,

i met death in a dark alleyway,

now it's me and death,

and i've got the blues again,

here we go,

du-da-du-da

du-da-du-da

du-da-du-da

du-da-du-da

i bit death and got the blues,

now i'm down on my luck again,

i bit death and there's no way back,

cause i got the blues, and there's no turning back,

i've got the world heavy on my shoulder,

and i've got the blues all over again,

here we go,

du-da-du-da

du-da-du-da

du-da-du-da

du-da-du-da

A Little Bit Of Nightmare.

mediocre nights rest,

fridge apparently, was not closed last night, and there was nothing to consume in the house,

with increasing hunger, benzodiazepine withdrawal, and kundalini aggravation, i brood,

while at the same time being batted at for not closing the fridge properly last night..

Grandfather.

My grandfather just died 08:00pm today.

He didn't suffer.

He just fell asleep forever in a peaceful slumber.

Energy Building Up, Vibrations Increasing, I am Lighted Up, High Volt Lamp, I Am A Beacon.

i've been sitting too much staring into the computer,

the energy building up again,

i am dizzy..

i can feel the vibrations increasing,

i can feel it at the extent of electricity,

we're talking high volt lamps,

i am lighted up like a beacon,

the anxiety could easily build up now,

and overwhelm me with dread,

resulting in intense suffering..

and purification..

i am a beacon,

powered by a whole 'lotta volts now,

i withdraw to do some measures,

to be able to sit down over the dinner-table..

Chamomile Tea And One Piece.

Ego-Death Vs. True Death.

the most honorable death is

to die in meditation

if this jedi-force allows me to do so

it is my free will to do so

it is better to die in meditation

if the opportunity bids itself

which it so rarely does

than live a life of

a so-called hyper-religious paranoid

in a more or less enlightened state

much more honorable

to just die with the help of this transcendence state

i dont need to prove anything

i certainly don't expect to ever be understood

in this life

and i might as well die in a complete state of

meditative self-absorbation

because this energy can absorb my very life

and possibly kill me if i decide to die

in complete stillness

the greatest

the most honorable death

Lukewarm Date.

lukewarm date

coincidence

boring sod date

might as well called my ex. for some friday night candy

better than that lukewarm date

Long Journey Traveler.

an old journey,

long journey traveler,

back in town,

on a short visit,

into the pulsating town-life,

he strays from one place to the other,

he is not of this world,

doesn't fit in,

with the others,

he's a traveler,

of the lonesome road,

to nowhere

Brooding Rage.

i feel sick

and

i am suffering

i am not satisfied

and i have this brooding rage

i just want to smash something

so that i can say

that was my doing

the day of my terrible rage

i hate this living

i am sick

and tired of this shit

just want to not exist

anymore

this process i go through

that i am told

i need to shut up about

and suppress

is penetrating my daily life

and i am screaming and sobbing through the day

like the screeching on stressed railroads

this day is just another traumatic day

in my life of endless nightmares

of

untold suffering

The One Who Pays The Toll, Choose To Dwell In The Shadow.

the nightmare revisited,

the inevitability of occasional insanity,

the inevitable journey i must undertake,

continues,

through psychological upheaval,

throughout the tunnel,

i come out,

on the other side,

into the mystical realm,

higher up,

i am going,

this eve,

'tis the will of something,

greater than my self,

my sanity at least,

for that reason i choose

to suffer silently,

to release myself from earth-felt ground,

to go into beta-testing,

the grim reaper,

claims a certain fee,

and the one who pays the toll,

surrender,

and choose to dwell in the shadow dusk,

even on the brightest day,

Cogito Ergo Sum, Without A Firm Grip, To The Caduceus Staff.

cogito ergo sum,

on a stick,

the dough is sour,

the plane lifts off, into cosmos - and beyond,

my mind expanding,

that aerie feel,

standing on a grand balcony,

surrender,

what view

i dare say,

..but i dare not think,

when speared,

by the mystical caduceus staff

i die into oblivion,

somehow still blinking,

torturous,

magickal,

wonder and awe, every time,

i do not cease to exist,

still blinking,

and the afternoon became a dark night,

in the empty pool,

'tis just another limbo,

wonder and awe,

and dread,

why can't i use the staff,

as a walking stave,

without a firm grip, i can never be steady

while in the abyss

no matter how many a times,

i swirl into dimensional timelessness,

always a waking nightmare,

'tis dangerous to walk on unsteady ground,

on quicksand and mound

without a firm grip,

around the caduceus staff,

but i do not own it,

somehow it owns me,

in a sense that i have to surrender my consciouness,

to ride through the otherwise forbidden gate,

on the stormy waves,

in search of the hidden

WoW Achievements.

Today I have explored Durotar, Azshara, Ashenvale and Mulgore. I finished the Ashenvale and Darkshore quests. That's 70/70 (Ashenvale) and 90/90 (Darkshore).

Man On The Roof, Snapping Gravel Stone.

There is a man on the roof today!

He is proud and self-rightious, severely bullying.. and somewhat autistic.

Snapping gravel stones on passing victims.

What a psychopath!

Lock him in - why don't they?

He is definitely a psychopath!

Normal people don't do this sort of thing..

He continued to snap.. and people.. they jumped off every time.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Disheartened And Fearful.

meaninglessness,

snuffed the meaning out,

empty room,

emptiness,

great frustration,

great protector,

if I now put my mail-helmet on,

mean it war?

vigilant,

but a weakness is exposed,

and exposed is what I am,

disheartened and fearful,

mean it defeat?

peace is what I came for,

war is what I got,

when defeat is an impending doom,

will I go on?