Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The aggravating restlessness go on,
I cannot find the means to rest my mind,
it is midnight,
I'm expected to sleep soon,
I cannot find peace of mind,
it is terrifying now,
I'm not sure if I will make it this time,
that type of feeling.
It devours my sanity.
I feel in-between dissolution and creation,
if I but rest my mind for even a moment,
the energy rushes into my mind,
and increase my dreadful anxiety.
Kundalini is manifesting as Kali this time,
for my over 2 years of fight/flight,
this one night is the most terrifying yet,
as far as I remember,
and I don't know why.
One has to live,
and now I feel like I'm as dead as can be,
falling in and out of my body,
it is so terrifying right now,
I feel like I'm as close as I can be,
to this spiritual insanity,
and the energy level itself,
really isn't as rampant as could be,
feels like it's been more intense.
I recall I have been in more intense states,
I definitely have,
but I fear for my psychological condition,
it is not always good to suffer,
at least not for a prolonged time,
in a different self-identification,
in a sense of timelessness,
because when you do occasionally 'come back',
you are apathetic and depressed,
nothing makes you glad anymore.
Too much mental anguish,
can wipe away any hopes,
even the smallest remnants,
of this one glimpse I cling onto.
The stormy waves eventually managed to drown me,
in the end it washed away the remnants,
of even the most resilient hopes,
of one day being able to return,
into a more psychologically fortunate situation,
I am in a sense in hell,
but I am still breathing,
even thought I feel dead,
and I am to believe what I'm persevering,
is most precious and sacred,
feeling like this undead corpse,
Blast it all,
saying it's happy-go journey,
obviously have no first-hand experience,
of what they're ignorantly spouting,
sometimes just annoys me more than my own strife,
how they can be such hypocritical liars,
'tis not the truth,
it could never be like they say,
because the ego is their platform,
and when that is being polished away,
it's never happy-go.
No matter who you are,
or think you are,
you hold such high esteem of yourself,
likely wouldn't last more than a day,
before really understanding the saying,
"Be careful what you wish for,
you just might get it."
I'd rather my life end,
than be trapped in this never ending nightmare of mental anguish.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I can't get no sleep anymore,
and I got this flu,
now it's impossible to get a good night,
I have felt so many times,
like I'm never gonna make it,
I feel like I'm slipping away,
living in this never ending torment and strife
Sleep depravation and K is a killer combo,
and added the flu,
I feel like I have no chance,
against this great disruption,
why don't I just do like the rest,
medicating it all,
but I don't,
even though at times it would seem like a good idea,
just to get a good night's sleep.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The lost ones tend to findings in what they are, like shattered glass on floor, attempting to glue back the pieces to feel integrated again. If you instead sweep the glass from the floor and put it all in a trash-bin you are approaching the problem from the other way around, by pulling the roots from the very bottom you eliminate the never ending search for meaning. Maybe something more interesting will happen. Maybe nothing will happen.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
you are here, but you have left, yet you are here, yet you are gone, yet i can see you, yet you have dimnished before my eyes, yet i can hear you, yet your voice seem now distant and afar, yet i can smell you, yet it is just my memory of yours smell.
the wind is bonkers today
wind emergency 411
they are probably busied with their donuts, rather than knee-deep in telephone inquiries
it's windy inside my body, like a whirlpool whipping up to something more ferocious
my last two years has been a poster of edward munch's 'scream'
the indian said
the wind serpent is not a child's play, yet the child becomes apparent in you
i forgot i was breathing
now i became consciously aware that i am not dead
did you travel afar
farther than a normally functioning mind ever could, i imagine
i have travelled far metaphysically, but never moved an inch
this world is a mystery for sure.. i am a little baby
i'm glad you're not into adultery
i don't know
i once saw the eyes of an 80 year old. he had the look of a child
i know nothing, that's what i know
the eyes are windows for sure and you do know
nothing is what i know
Sunday, October 24, 2010
another day of feeling lost and detached from my body/mind, to a degree of feeling total detachment. it is like an old nightmare is coming back. it is hard to cope these days, especially today. if this keeps up i'll feel i'll not make it. better i skip work so as to be able to catch up on myself, sort to speak. i feel i'm fighting for my life here. on a daily basis, just to not fall too deep in the water.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
all i want is to retreat back into bed,
staying there with all my demons,
to be able to suffer in contempt,
and allow everything to come up,
i am in such a sensitive state,
if any one should intrude on me,
i might become hostile,
just leave me the heck alone,
here comes another dark night,
until dusk i stay -
my faith -
i'm losing it -
my mind -
seems too far out there,
to ever be able to,
descend back into place,
my senses so..
how can this mess,
of shattered glass,
ever be glued back,
how can i ever be a sturdy mind,
after years of inner turmoil and ramble,
..when i have lost that special grace,
that gave me faith in the first place
I am not a social worker by profession, but I sorta, 'accidentally', dabble into it because people have a tendency to keep me occupied in their conversational needs. There should be no treason for me to enter 'their' field of study when I have proven to be more than qualified utilizing my own competent applications in a humble intent of giving a therapeutical value-pack.
At the very least, it seems to make people nay slightly less than content. Is fab, isn't it?
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Tonight I dreamt that I met someone with K that was with another woman (Psychiatric Nurse?) and they were down by the sea I think. And then I asked to join them and I did. I did it because I think the woman who was being tended to had K. We went for a walk, us two with K and the Nurse and a Guy. Suddenly when we went to a house the girl with K started screaming and I could see/feel her pain because I am sensitive that way. Then I began to share a bond with the girl with the K and I tried later, when the Nurse was not present around us and the Guy also wasn't, to tell her about the spiritual meaning of K, not the religious, because for me (in the dream), it was important to tell someone going through it that it's not insanity, quite the opposite. I helped her very much it seemed, and it seemed I did exactly what I was supposed to kinda feeling (in the dream), and then suddenly we were sitting in a car all four with two floors.
The Girl with the K was downstairs in first floor (i think), and the Nurse and the Guy and me were in second floor. The Nurse was crying because of some strange reason. It almost seemed like she was jealous that I helped the girl with K more than she could, because she didn't understand why she was behaving the way she was, originally, since K is a mysterious thing to people who don't have it themselves. It might be impossible to understand. The Nurse seemed jealous at me just because I had formed a bond with the K girl.
In a sense she was just like me, just more experienced (i think), which made me very interested in her. Yet there was one thing I could help her with, and there was probably a lot she could teach me also.
Suddenly I am walking down the stairs to a terrace. I see someone who is supposedly my son, crying on a chair.
It is night and almost pitch black -- hadn't it been for the few candle-lights in the terrace.
Then another guy who looks to be my son's friend say; "Don't cry about it..", and then coming up to the terrace from our lawn.
Then suddenly I see a girl from another angle behind a left terrace wall, and I see she has crutches.
She didn't seem handicapped, just something that happened to her in school or something so that she had to wear them for a while.
She is very drunk and is lying on the grass lawn and I help her up, then support her to a terrace-chair.
It feels like I am helping my son, who is crying about the crutched woman because of some reason, maybe he is in love with her and they argued etc.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I withdraw into my bed.
Waiting for this energy to calm down.
I am in a spiritual trauma.
There is no way to escape.
This energy, never give me any rest.
Yet I am to believe it is a great blessing,
even when it feels like a curse.
I don't know how I managed this far,
or why I still go on.
Why do I still go on.
I just do.
An art-teacher asked me to paint the walls in the second floor room.
I said yes.
Tomorrow I am painting the walls in egg-white.
Who knows, maybe I'll get a free painting course?
Right now I am listening to All India Radio on Spotify.
It is such an awesome application.
Days are sometimes so tedious at work.
It is outright boring some days.
And I get relatively tired.
Because of this world I have to keep up and going.
What is the reward for taking such an arduous path..
And how do I manage..
Am I going to die for real, or am I already dead?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
--Healer (role variant)
--Keirsey Temperament Sorter
Friday, August 6, 2010
Cafe With Work-Colleague, Gargantuous Piece Of Carrot-Cake, Four Beers, Spiritual Meeting And Angry Bus-Driver.
After work today I went to the cafe with a work-colleague. Right when we sat down my mother was sitting at the neighboring table. My friend introduced himself to my mother and then we continued the chatting. I ordered a cappuccino and a carrot-cake. (In this cafe they are famous for their carrot-cakes, hence why I go there, for my coffee and carrot-cake.) When I ordered my cake the woman behind the disk asked if I wanted the 'reeeaaally' large cake piece, and I said yes, sure. She gave me this huuuge piece.
Whilst sitting outside, my work-colleague told the same woman I ordered the large cake-piece from, that if I could eat it all up, would she give me a hug? I felt a bit uncomfortable that my friend said that to her. She said yes, if you can eat it all I'll give you a hug, if you want. After several smokes, and chatting, I finally ate the last piece. She gave me a hug, and my work-colleague took a picture of it. I felt rather uncomfortable with the hugging and the picture being taken, and I felt a bit retarded. Actually I looked retarded on the picture, at least I thought so.
We advanced to a bar, sitting outside drinking some beers, with the occasional sun gazing between the openings in the sky.
I went to the bus station and waited for a while. Then I went to ask when my bus was coming, since there are extra buses going, because the train-station is currently being repaired. Then I got in contact with a stranger and started talking with him. We got into the term spirituality and kundalini, and he told me he was actually going to become a high priest. He was studying rituals and psychology. He was also an artist, making music and studying occultism.
We went into the middle door of the bus and sat down. Suddenly the bus-driver comes stomping to us asking if we were the ones who went into the middle door. He was really angry because of that, and we told him we would come to the front an pay.
We continued to talk on the bus, about spirituality. Then he went off, and I shook his hand and waved to him. He was going to meet a certain high priest. He wanted to become a high priest himself. On the rest of the road on the bus I wore my headphones, listening to my iPod.
Sometimes I just sorta meet these strangers and it feels unmistakably meant to be, these meetings and moments that happen whilst going through my spiritual journey.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
death instead of life
dream instead of reality
no answers to be found
i want to give up
some things i do give up
but it seems it is not enough
everything is consumed
everything is consumed
in the vacuum
there are no fairies here
feels like a point of no return
and i might as well idle
waiting for nothing to happen
because that is all there is in the now
it is so defined now
i am alone here
even in crowded places
alone in this dimension
and it feels like
i have to stay here
for no less
i try to define
what is strength
after some thought
i find that
is the greatest one
my own weakness
and i die quickly
like that of a mirror
it is painful
to be stung by my own pieces
Monday, March 1, 2010
I manage to hold onto something within me, I fear for my integration, of not being certain, I surrender what I can give up, I don't know what else to do at this time. I am being tormented by waves of fear and feelings of hopelessness, by the uncertainty of this whole existence, this unreality of mine everything, even myself, whilst being myself.. I ponder hereby how I came to be in this situation, but I cannot remember much... - I don't want to remember.. I am young, I don't understand what a normal life is anymore, at least not in this mess I have gotten myself into. Do I really deserve this? I deserve only the best. There is much anguish - in the purgatory.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
When once again life becomes a battle.
Every day becomes a journey through the darkness, in the innermost void.
It matters not how trivial life may be.
But how deep.
Living in the vast creativity.
But also of anguish and anxiety.
Like an astronaut exploring space.
Of unknown lands, so beyond the limits of gravity.
And sometimes returning.
But when you lie there.
You know you will be back up there, in the timeless space.
It is frightening.
But the journey is unmistakably, the golden embroidery woven into an otherwise grey drape.
It is obvious that you are different, when you feel like a story in "Thousand-and-one Nights".