Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Never Ending Nightmare Of Mental Anguish.

The aggravating restlessness go on,
I cannot find the means to rest my mind,
it is midnight,
I'm expected to sleep soon,
I cannot find peace of mind,
it is terrifying now,
I'm not sure if I will make it this time,
that type of feeling.

It devours my sanity.
I feel in-between dissolution and creation,
if I but rest my mind for even a moment,
the energy rushes into my mind,
and increase my dreadful anxiety.

Kundalini is manifesting as Kali this time,
for my over 2 years of fight/flight,
this one night is the most terrifying yet,
as far as I remember,
and I don't know why.

One has to live,
and now I feel like I'm as dead as can be,
falling in and out of my body,
almost randomly,
it is so terrifying right now,
I feel like I'm as close as I can be,
to this spiritual insanity,
and the energy level itself,
really isn't as rampant as could be,
feels like it's been more intense.

I recall I have been in more intense states,
I definitely have,
but I fear for my psychological condition,
it is not always good to suffer,
at least not for a prolonged time,
in a different self-identification,
in a sense of timelessness,
because when you do occasionally 'come back',
you are apathetic and depressed,
nothing makes you glad anymore.

Too much mental anguish,
can wipe away any hopes,
even the smallest remnants,
of this one glimpse I cling onto.

The stormy waves eventually managed to drown me,
in the end it washed away the remnants,
of even the most resilient hopes,
of one day being able to return,
into a more psychologically fortunate situation,

I am in a sense in hell,
but I am still breathing,
even thought I feel dead,
and I am to believe what I'm persevering,
is most precious and sacred,
feeling like this undead corpse,

Blast it all,
such hearsay,
saying it's happy-go journey,
obviously have no first-hand experience,
of what they're ignorantly spouting,
sometimes just annoys me more than my own strife,
how they can be such hypocritical liars,
'tis not the truth,
it could never be like they say,
because the ego is their platform,
and when that is being polished away,
it's never happy-go.

No matter who you are,
or think you are,
you hold such high esteem of yourself,
likely wouldn't last more than a day,
before really understanding the saying,
"Be careful what you wish for,
you just might get it."

I'd rather my life end,
than be trapped in this never ending nightmare of mental anguish.

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