Disheartened And Fearful.

meaninglessness,

snuffed the meaning out,

empty room,

emptiness,

great frustration,

great protector,

if I now put my mail-helmet on,

mean it war?

vigilant,

but a weakness is exposed,

and exposed is what I am,

disheartened and fearful,

mean it defeat?

peace is what I came for,

war is what I got,

when defeat is an impending doom,

will I go on?

Never Ending Nightmare Of Mental Anguish.

The aggravating restlessness go on,

I cannot find the means to rest my mind,

it is midnight,

I'm expected to sleep soon,

I cannot find peace of mind,

it is terrifying now,

I'm not sure if I will make it this time,

that type of feeling.

It devours my sanity.

I feel in-between dissolution and creation,

if I but rest my mind for even a moment,

the energy rushes into my mind,

and increase my dreadful anxiety.

Kundalini is manifesting as Kali this time,

for my over 2 years of fight/flight,

this one night is the most terrifying yet,

as far as I remember,

and I don't know why.

One has to live,

and now I feel like I'm as dead as can be,

falling in and out of my body,

almost randomly,

it is so terrifying right now,

I feel like I'm as close as I can be,

to this spiritual insanity,

and the energy level itself,

really isn't as rampant as could be,

feels like it's been more intense.

I recall I have been in more intense states,

I definitely have,

but I fear for my psychological condition,

it is not always good to suffer,

at least not for a prolonged time,

in a different self-identification,

in a sense of timelessness,

because when you do occasionally 'come back',

you are apathetic and depressed,

nothing makes you glad anymore.

Too much mental anguish,

can wipe away any hopes,

even the smallest remnants,

of this one glimpse I cling onto.

The stormy waves eventually managed to drown me,

in the end it washed away the remnants,

of even the most resilient hopes,

of one day being able to return,

into a more psychologically fortunate situation,

I am in a sense in hell,

but I am still breathing,

even thought I feel dead,

and I am to believe what I'm persevering,

is most precious and sacred,

feeling like this undead corpse,

Blast it all,

such hearsay,

saying it's happy-go journey,

obviously have no first-hand experience,

of what they're ignorantly spouting,

sometimes just annoys me more than my own strife,

how they can be such hypocritical liars,

'tis not the truth,

it could never be like they say,

because the ego is their platform,

and when that is being polished away,

it's never happy-go.

No matter who you are,

or think you are,

you hold such high esteem of yourself,

likely wouldn't last more than a day,

before really understanding the saying,

"Be careful what you wish for,

you just might get it."

I'd rather my life end,

than be trapped in this never ending nightmare of mental anguish.

Sleep Deprivation, Torment And Strife.

I can't get no sleep anymore,

and I got this flu,

now it's impossible to get a good night,

I have felt so many times,

like I'm never gonna make it,

I feel like I'm slipping away,

living in this never ending torment and strife

Sleep depravation and K is a killer combo,

and added the flu,

I feel like I have no chance,

against this great disruption,

why don't I just do like the rest,

medicating it all,

but I don't,

even though at times it would seem like a good idea,

just to get a good night's sleep.

Never Ending Search For Something More.

The lost ones tend to findings in what they are, like shattered glass on floor, attempting to glue back the pieces to feel integrated again. If you instead sweep the glass from the floor and put it all in a trash-bin you are approaching the problem from the other way around, by pulling the roots from the very bottom you eliminate the never ending search for meaning. Maybe something more interesting will happen. Maybe nothing will happen.

Yet You Are Here, Yet You Are Not.

you are here, but you have left, yet you are here, yet you are gone, yet i can see you, yet you have dimnished before my eyes, yet i can hear you, yet your voice seem now distant and afar, yet i can smell you, yet it is just my memory of yours smell.

Nothing Is What I Know, That's What I Know.

the wind is bonkers today

wind emergency 411

they are probably busied with their donuts, rather than knee-deep in telephone inquiries

it's windy inside my body, like a whirlpool whipping up to something more ferocious

my last two years has been a poster of edward munch's 'scream'

the indian said

the wind serpent is not a child's play, yet the child becomes apparent in you

i forgot i was breathing

now i became consciously aware that i am not dead

did you travel afar

farther than a normally functioning mind ever could, i imagine

i have travelled far metaphysically, but never moved an inch

this world is a mystery for sure.. i am a little baby

i'm glad you're not into adultery

howdya know

i don't know

i once saw the eyes of an 80 year old. he had the look of a child

howdya know

i know nothing, that's what i know

the eyes are windows for sure and you do know

nothing is what i know

Lost, Feeling Fully Detached.

another day of feeling lost and detached from my body/mind, to a degree of feeling total detachment. it is like an old nightmare is coming back. it is hard to cope these days, especially today. if this keeps up i'll feel i'll not make it. better i skip work so as to be able to catch up on myself, sort to speak. i feel i'm fighting for my life here. on a daily basis, just to not fall too deep in the water.