Vision, Dream, A Purpose Perchance?

I came to a realisation today.. There are so many people suffering from mystical to 'mental disorders' who are by, psychopathic psychiatric nurses, sent to psychiatric wards and institutions. I have come to this realisation that since apparently there are few to none with knowledge on this subject regarding kundalini and mystical experiences, other than in certain countries in the eastern continent, that I have come to the conclusion that I must share my knowledge on the subject to the needy. I want to create a center for these things, to encourage people to come and share their experiences. I feel a shame of living in a non-spiritual country that diagnose misunderstood people like germans mistreat underaged prostitutes in Thailand. My dream is to become a master of my own journey, of the realms of the psychenaut, of the various dimensions of the expanded reality. To come at the jourey's end, fully enlightened at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel of anguish and despair. My sole purpose for slipping into this path of spirituality has been to enter these realms that I travel into, in order to illuminate the darkness and dispell it. Since I am alone in this spiritual mystery I must find the way to enlightenment on my own. Probably a most dangerious and ardious path, but I'm a warrior that has never been afraid of getting some scars on the path, I might have to endure alot of suffering as well, I reckon, since I've already done so alot these pasttimes.

Kundalini-transformation

I feel it is about time to share with you, dear reader, my experience so far with my kundalini awakening. It is much to say, but also much to be forgotten, for there have been far too many traumatic experiences, and very few blissful ones. Had I not felt as if I was fighting for my own sanity all the time and keeping up with the intense awareness without getting mentally exhausted, I would probably have been far more blissful. But I can only do what I am doing, and that is to remain as steady and clear as possible. It is an immensely difficult task that have been set up for me in this life, and I find it difficult to focus on more than the moment at hand, or I will surely fall into the nightmare that I have fallen into before, when it all started, and I had no idea of what was going on inside me and what challenges I had before me. Had I known it then, I would probably not have made it to this point, or perhaps I would somehow. I always find a rabbit-hole to jump into when the storm is riding me too hard. Maybe that is why I am suffering from some sort of meditative psychosis, a deep inner state of consciousness, I am now seeing through the looking glass, I sense it is far beyond normal human condition, and I am now in an extreme state of mind, or consciousness, but noone sees it except for myself. It is obvious that I am in a different space and time, an inner, transcendent void, or vacuum as if wrapped 'safely' around and finding my way around somehow. I am confronted with my innermost fears and dreads, I cannot remember much of what has happened.. or I don't want to remember.. I have tried to forget the most severe traumas. It's like I can't remember even if I try hard.. I have supressed it through these months of willpower endurance, learning to surrender to myself and the pure awareness, and accepting an unheard amount of inner emotional and mental suffering, almost breaking my psyche every day. I wonder how I manage at all. I will continue on this matter of spiritual emergency.

I feel I am close to losing control of my own world. I was up doing the dishes and I felt as if I was utterly neurotic, being confronted with alot of weird questions coming up to my mind. One of them, that has been pestering me for a long time is the feeling of being deranged, sometimes feeling lost, and the very unpleasant feelings and thoughts that this world, this existence seems so unreal, it is like I don't even exist any more, as if I am nothing, and everything feels more and more unfamiliar. Even my family, the world around me seems flat and boring, almost dead. And I am locked in an altered consciousness where I feel out of touch from the outside, from myself even, I see myself subjectively, as an explorer sometimes. When the day has been long I go into a temporary psychosis-type of state. I usually get waves of anxiety, and symptoms of depersonalisation and derealisation gives me the same feeling again and again that this life, my existence is nothing, my purpose seems utterly meaningless, as if I realised that everything is different, severly different than what I thought. I remember I withdrew myself gradually every day in the beginning stages. As it happened I had extreme fear and anxiety followed by panic attacks, now it is not as severe, I feel more suffocated than panical.

My life seems like it turned from easy, or normal mode to nightmare-mode. Just like the game difficulty on the Diablo series. Noone made it on nightmare, without deep concentration and will-strength and perseverence. I feel the same about being me. Just being myself now is sometimes an utter nightmare. The short feelings of mild peace or thoughtlessness is surely a relief from the neurotic suffering and intense non-stop awareness that exhausts my head.

I wish someone could help me on the path of the psychenaut, which is what I've become. Far from mature enough to fix this up on my own. I sometimes feel like a giant child, I would really just wake up tomorrow and be the one I was before all this started. Atleast I had some portion of ignorance, that has been dispelled and made my mental inhabitance at times hellish. I know with myself that this is an extreme state of mind, maybe noone belives me, maybe noone sees any change, but I am the consciousness that observes, I am that which has no identity, yet glows of unikeness to others. I am a servant to others, explorer of mine own existence.

Kundalini Arousal

Kundalini energy arousal and altered/highened states of reality and 'trance'-states/transcendent reality. It has now become a fact that what I am going through - as many others claim to be the going through, is the 'god'/'shiva-shakti' union of trans-spiritual growth - the energy of higher consciousness evolve and transformation. Perhaps it is true that some of us who experience these 'phenomena' are given psychiatric diagnosises like bipolar and schizophrenia. I believe that from the pragmatic view of psychiatricians is insufficient in helping those experiencing spiritual 'phenomena'. Unfortunately there is a severe lack of acceptance and knowledge in these fields in western society, although I believe as more of these cases surface around in the western world there will be a higher awareness from the pragmatic side. Since many of those who do experience kundalini-related energy or higher/altered states of awareness/reality do not know what is going on, I am certain they will have some portion of mental confusion, anxiety and panic that naturally surfaces with different states of perception. Depersonalisation and a psychosis-like states, (but only resembles psychosis), can also come with this mentally challenging energy, because the nervous system goes haywire and the usual safer patterns of the brain is dissolved along with the ego/super-ego because it transcends, and one feels as if one is becoming more and more the observer from the inside and out, as if peering 'through the looking glass' with both fear and wonder.

This is only from my own experience with the help of some reading in order to try to accept what is going on, so that it is not to be associated with something that is negative, but certainly the fear of going mad, the existential anxiety and panic and the underlying fear and alertness can be quite a scary ongoing anticipation, because one must be purified of that which one may cling onto, but in the end, purification will happen, whether one resists or not. Medications can temporarily ground the energy, and it can be very wise with some grounding when the energy becomes reckless and you slip into an emergence state. They need not be very strong medications since on the spiritual heights one become naturally hypersensitive and sensory perception is far beyond ordinary levels. That is why suffering in these states feel like nightmare and hell, but it is actually only the sensations that become heighened, and thus one may be percieved to be a hypochondriac by others, because the sensations are greatly amplified, both with postive emotions and negative emotions, and one can even be led to suicidal thoughts and homicidal urges when all in all, a less refined body would not take the pain in a near similar way because it is not as pure and vulnerable as an extremely vibrant energy body, destructive habits can ultimately lead to untold suffering beyond comprehension.

This is only speaking from my own experience over about 6 months now (that is when the energy activity became high), and the result was panic anxiety and a struggle to remain rational even when every thought that came up into my mind became irrational because the anxiety has a tendency to make everything happening irrational.

And A Big Question Ensues As a Result Of Blogging Ramble

I wonder if someone reads this blog-or even know it exists-and whether I'm the only one that understands/familiarise with this eccentric blog ramble?

My Usual Profile Inlay

I am myself.

Spiritual.

Known to dabble in an unseen amount of things. Interested in almost anything, really. Like the others, (as to not seem like such a primitive human being), I also like finer food and wine.

My dream is to know a little about most things, even the mystical things, and ofcourse secret knowledge. I already know a whole lot about a thousand useless things which I never learned in school as far as I recall. But that's still just a tiny fragment of things-that I decided to put up here.

Things like ideology, theology, theosophy, mysticism, metaphysics interests me in general, I intend to learn more toward those kind of subjects and studies, but mostly I can't remember everything that I want to learn because it's more than I can come up with in my mind as of now.

"In the woods, if alone, you have to survive on your own using your instincts. In the city, if alone, you get around using your wits and communication skills. Learning persuasion can also come in handy, especially if you want to become a good haggler - I think people generally underestimate the value of good haggling, its a shame they don't accept this sort of bargaining in the general stores. It's surprisingly social and psychodramatic. And why not make use of gemstones as well--for the day when paper-money for some reason becomes worthless shall certainly come--because of some unknown catastrophe that makes it useless." -- Swami Espen.

"There is more to the world than what meets the eye, only a few of us realise that we are almost completely blind in delusion. Someone likes to hide us in a carpet of ignorance, why we do it to ourselves all the time--by letting ignorance slip into our naive little brain as fodder to our own eventual demise." -- Swami Espen.

"My 'philosophy on life' or ideology is believing in myself to some extent, as a potentially potent individual, however, I am not solely mine own redeemer, for the people that I meet in life has and always will affect me in some way or the other. So I believe my path is almost as unpredictable as the ramblings of a madman." "I am neither enlightened nor un-enlightened, I might be some place in-between, but I let others decide what I am, by letting them reveal to me their perceived reality of my fragmented identity." -- Swami Espen.

"Ego -is- two things. Visible, or non-visible. Neither is any better, some just conceal their true nature and agenda. Transparent ego is, however, enlightened living." -- Swami Espen.

"Cold here though, but we got ourselves a huge ass forest up here with miles of path into the yet unknown depth of the forestry. Haven't seen rosemary elves yet, though, but a yeti-baboon stomping quickly past my vertigo in the distance - an albino squirrel jollily chasing the frightened yeti-baboon. Oh my he was scared to death that huge baboon. Needless to say our albino squirrels are quite bloodthirsty. You should see them some time, just remember to pick up on a bazooka and an industrial helmet. Wa-heeee...." -- Swami Espen.

Panoramic Image

Neslip stood energised before an elevated cliff. It was a special secret spot and usually a spectacular view. The foggy, dim-lighted, dusky atmosphere gave a gloomy yet pecular panoramic view in the near-early morning rise. It naturally shook him deep within to be able to even behold such a sight. He'd never seen it like this before! It could have been a dream, it mattered not though-it was nonetheless beautiful, and the feel and atmosphere was especially dreamy today. Something new happened to him after that day, one thing of atleast a certain essential quality. He was most perceptive and wise, he continued to grow in his approach of deepness of being in life and he found great depth in the world, that almost shook his spine at times.

Greslik sat down on an elevated cliff. He was weary in his legs. People said it was this 'secret' place. He'd heard much talk of all these 'special' places where ever people lived, whether it was located in the forest or somewhere else. It was nothing special he though, scratching the back of his head, and now he wanted to go home and rest on the couch. It gave him not much of an impression, but then again nothing really did. He had long forgotten to just be in his natural residence of being, so he missed out on alot of empty, yet substantial moments such as this. He had not managed to empty his mind on his journey to view and behold the beautiful panoramic forest scenery from the elevated cliffside. His world was lacking depth of view, so he never felt the depth of the life either. He might have had intelligence, but he did not ever obtain wisdom - that of perception and positive change. He had no depth.

Breath/Life, Its Impact, And The Arise Of Spiritual Awakening

Breath is life. Oxygen is the only factor that plays a key role in our ability to sustain our own body. A good breath is a breath that has quality. Ultimately this makes a good quality of life. Breath is evaluated in its ability to journey freely into the the lungs and belly. With too little oxygen to the lower abdomen, constipation can arise. It is a result of shallow breathing, in turn accelerating both anxiety and stress. This can also create disease of the body. In general, breathing shallow or not breathing properly will soon mirror a less functional and vital body. As we are all aware of, radiance and vitality can not be obtained without the knowing of breath and its undeniable impact on each and every one of us. Other than basic knowledge of its impact on us, experiencing through practice is to be the main focal point, as it is far more fruitful to base oneself on healthiness in person, and not theorising of its profound effects. That would make no sense. Spirituality arises first and foremost from the point on where you regulate and correct your own breath, and your potentially dangerous breathing habits. That is awakening of self-enquiry. Much like the Alexander technique brings greater awareness to bad postural habits while sitting in front of a computer or simply a malevolent habitual walk.

Ride on the wings of the calm and easy state of mind and being, don't fall before yourself, don't cease to take responsibility of control of yourself!