I feel it is about time to share with you, dear reader, my experience so far with my kundalini awakening. It is much to say, but also much to be forgotten, for there have been far too many traumatic experiences, and very few blissful ones. Had I not felt as if I was fighting for my own sanity all the time and keeping up with the intense awareness without getting mentally exhausted, I would probably have been far more blissful. But I can only do what I am doing, and that is to remain as steady and clear as possible. It is an immensely difficult task that have been set up for me in this life, and I find it difficult to focus on more than the moment at hand, or I will surely fall into the nightmare that I have fallen into before, when it all started, and I had no idea of what was going on inside me and what challenges I had before me. Had I known it then, I would probably not have made it to this point, or perhaps I would somehow. I always find a rabbit-hole to jump into when the storm is riding me too hard. Maybe that is why I am suffering from some sort of meditative psychosis, a deep inner state of consciousness, I am now seeing through the looking glass, I sense it is far beyond normal human condition, and I am now in an extreme state of mind, or consciousness, but noone sees it except for myself. It is obvious that I am in a different space and time, an inner, transcendent void, or vacuum as if wrapped 'safely' around and finding my way around somehow. I am confronted with my innermost fears and dreads, I cannot remember much of what has happened.. or I don't want to remember.. I have tried to forget the most severe traumas. It's like I can't remember even if I try hard.. I have supressed it through these months of willpower endurance, learning to surrender to myself and the pure awareness, and accepting an unheard amount of inner emotional and mental suffering, almost breaking my psyche every day. I wonder how I manage at all. I will continue on this matter of spiritual emergency.
I feel I am close to losing control of my own world. I was up doing the dishes and I felt as if I was utterly neurotic, being confronted with alot of weird questions coming up to my mind. One of them, that has been pestering me for a long time is the feeling of being deranged, sometimes feeling lost, and the very unpleasant feelings and thoughts that this world, this existence seems so unreal, it is like I don't even exist any more, as if I am nothing, and everything feels more and more unfamiliar. Even my family, the world around me seems flat and boring, almost dead. And I am locked in an altered consciousness where I feel out of touch from the outside, from myself even, I see myself subjectively, as an explorer sometimes. When the day has been long I go into a temporary psychosis-type of state. I usually get waves of anxiety, and symptoms of depersonalisation and derealisation gives me the same feeling again and again that this life, my existence is nothing, my purpose seems utterly meaningless, as if I realised that everything is different, severly different than what I thought. I remember I withdrew myself gradually every day in the beginning stages. As it happened I had extreme fear and anxiety followed by panic attacks, now it is not as severe, I feel more suffocated than panical.
My life seems like it turned from easy, or normal mode to nightmare-mode. Just like the game difficulty on the Diablo series. Noone made it on nightmare, without deep concentration and will-strength and perseverence. I feel the same about being me. Just being myself now is sometimes an utter nightmare. The short feelings of mild peace or thoughtlessness is surely a relief from the neurotic suffering and intense non-stop awareness that exhausts my head.
I wish someone could help me on the path of the psychenaut, which is what I've become. Far from mature enough to fix this up on my own. I sometimes feel like a giant child, I would really just wake up tomorrow and be the one I was before all this started. Atleast I had some portion of ignorance, that has been dispelled and made my mental inhabitance at times hellish. I know with myself that this is an extreme state of mind, maybe noone belives me, maybe noone sees any change, but I am the consciousness that observes, I am that which has no identity, yet glows of unikeness to others. I am a servant to others, explorer of mine own existence.
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