Wedding.

i am going to a wedding tomorrow,

err,

not necessarily going,

rather i'd stay in asker and drink.. lax..,
a sense of carelessness anyhow,
but i must go,
and go i shall then

Lingering Plague, Dire Need Of Cultivating The Innermost, I Stay In Shelter, Have To Become A Survivor.

there is a lingering plague,

a new, difficult dilemma arose,

i am in dire need of resolving this increasing inner death,

it is not always a destructive mind that creates destruction,

sometimes it is the sum of a certain amount of circumstances,

that create destructive consequences,

that is not ones own doing,

i am in dire need of cultivating the innermost,

into a livable inner cosmic atmosphere,

it is indeed maddening, often outright disturbing,

i cling to some safety,

i'm no longer able to do what most people can,

yet i can do things none can,

as magically as it may sound, doesn't matter if none believe me,

i know for certain the wisdom of the sages,

the mystical perception, that is beyond rationality,

that non-rationality,

that is a result of,

dabbling in psyche-neuroticism,

an everyday psychenaut, in an advanced intensivity course,

in my own school of autodidactism,

i stay in shelter,

the energy is so transforming,

yet painful psychologically to bare,

but i cannot do other than make the best,

out of this never ending nightmare,

be positive when it is most needed,

become a talent for highly intelligent self-healing,

whenever needed,

i have to become a survivor,

in this sometimes messy ordeal

Can Have It All, No More The Ego Meander Off Into Desires.

can have it all,

don't need it,

not even my sanity,

i can have all,

by having nothing,

it is elusive,

that nothingness,

that makes me feel whole,

and beyond wholeness of being,

so serious, so advanced

life is not always light-hearted,

don't want to joke everything away,

every moment is a moment of,

potential limitlessness,

elusive as it is,

no wonder why,

enlightenment happens upon death,

at the end,

all that is left is surrender,

no more,

the ego meander off,

into desires,

Rampaging Headache, Wide Awake.

the energy built up,

the headache is rampaging,

it is scary how bad it can become,

from heaven to hell,

the mind won't calm down,

the energy for some reason went haywire,

and it was not calculated,

this is weird and disrupting,

maybe i should allow the energy to surface,

in however it will manifest,

to surrender is not easy,

even after 3 years,

i'm wide awake,

i feel inflicted by a spiritual disease,

until i allow the energy to manifest,

maybe it will subside,

then the disease becomes a rejuvenating one,

just another hell,

should survive this one too,

life is suffering,

Inner Steam, In Denial, Post-Halt It, Logical Prefrontal Lobe Way.

i hold it in,

for a very long time,

the inner steam,

is aching to fuel the machinery,

i am negative,

in denial,

it doesn't exist now,

i reject it's surfacing,

or rather post-halt it,

there is a long time-gap,

when the steam is increasing,

increasingly,

it is trying to surface,

steam building up,

franticly so,

makes for a frantic mind,

if i can can be eased,

through sterile environment,

i can pump the engines with lots of steam,

and come into a normal functioning,

in a hyper activated,

logical prefrontal lobe way,

i am mechanically,

extra-terrestrially,

magnificent,

Another Round Of Sleeplessness, Healing Past Trauma, Meaninglessness, Deep Shadow-Dusk, Blind In Explorations.

another round of sleepless night,

work is something i enjoy, but as long as i'm not getting enough rest,

this insomnia-tendency is breaking down my willpower and tearing on my endurance,

i reckon i've had worse, but i don't recall those experiences very pleasant,

healing the past trauma,

the autonomous shock of 'something',

greater than myself,

it evolves into a secret to mankind, one that is with me through thick and thin,

and i do continue the incessant bravery,

always, i have to test the limits, even if i don't 'really' want to,

coincidences make an opening,

for meaninglessness,

the testing of my mental resilience,

i don't see any meaning to that,

will it again give me great faith and confidence,

to struggle with anguish,

and metaphysical meandering,

without a lantern, in deep shadow-dusk,

i am blind in my explorations,

as if the only, or at least one way to newfound redemption,

is paving through the hardest seeming 'obstructions' in my human psyche,

Nowhere.

finally I found my path,

i'm going!

i'm going nowhere,