The Ever So Unpredictable Occurrences Of Text

K-Meds, Benzos, Anticonvulsants, Sleep Aids, Antipsychotics.

2011-12-22T20:35:00.000-08:00

K-meds;

Most likely anticonvulsants/benzodiazepines,

most likely cns-depressants in general,

likely gaba-a pharmacology,

Benzodiazepines,

Serax - Oxazepam,

Klonopin - Clonazepam,

Xanax - Alprazolam,

Ativan - Lorazepam,

Anticonvulsants,

Lamictal - Lamotrigine

Topomax - Topiramate,

Depakene - Valproic Acid,

Tegretol - Carbamazepine,

Lyrica - Pregabalin,

Neurontin - Gabapentin,

Mysoline - Primidone,

Sleep Aids,

Ambien - Zolpidem,

Imovane - Zoplclone,

Anti-psychotics,

(unknown as of yet, in progress as to say)

when the cns is hyperactivated it creates such a neurologic stress upon the body and mental resources that it is profoundly difficult to live a normal life, in fact it would be more fatal in terms of consequential thinking to not use them, i know it can be more debilitating than a severely mentally ill patient, because it is tricky to diagnose properly, and may even be more difficult to medicate since no medical practitioner have any experience/knowledge in this field of mystical states. it can be dangerous to go through the process alone without the sufficient tools of the trade, leading to suicidal ideation or actual suicide.

Effexor Nightmare.

2011-11-07T17:07:00.000-08:00

effexor nightmare,

headache, head pressure,

restlessness,

psychomotory agitation,

just waiting for it to wear off,

hopefully it will last only for a few more days,

i can only hope to get relief,

it has only been an interference to my k process,

hope it wears off,

it can't stay in my body forever,

right?

Sleep Deprivation, Increased Fear, Impending Doom, Energy Rocketing.

2011-10-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

sleep deprivation,

increased fear,

anxiety,

increased dread,

feelings of impending doom,

less stability,

rocking,

energy rocketing,

Redemption, The Broken Circle. Fear Of My Thoughts, Mystery Draught.

2011-10-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

after the healing grace,

redemption in the haze,

death took place,

no more healing i can face,

the fear,

the a shadow,

the broken circle,

fragments of endurance,

a mystery draught,

on the table,

i seek,

but shall not likely find,

Days Of Withdrawal, Near Catatonia, Untold Suffering, Like Giving Birth, Rebirthing.

2011-10-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

days of withdrawal,

exaggerated worry,

incessant dread,

going through it all,

this day's been a near catatonia,

deeper down the limbo of purification,

belies only untold suffering,

cannae afford to look so much back,

like giving birth,

the trauma is a lesson,

in suffering,

and birth,

my case rebirthing,

Benzo Withdrawal.

2011-10-12T17:44:00.000-07:00

benzo withdrawal is not for the faint of heart,

that's all i gotta say,

Unholiness Of Spirit, Malignantly Adapted Awakening Process, Anchor Oneself, Kierkegaard.

2011-10-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

life is meaningless in itself,

if we identify with the unholiness of our spirit,

we identify more or less with the welfare of our spirituality,

if the not so holy energy allows us to go beyond the normality of our daily triviality,

we become unnormal to a restricted perspective that most people then have,

in comparison to our newfound bliss,

hadn't it been such a bliss-value, it would not have been a wholly beneficial process,

rather a chance it be a degenerative one,

therefore it is safe to assume that man will go to great depths of profoundness,

into the creaks and corners of the mind that may not be pleasant at all,

all for the greater good,

motivation is always the awesome healing potential,

a degenerative process is not necessarily,

a malignantly adapted awakening process,

true freedom is without boundaries,

but without any boundary, there is infinitely difficult to anchor oneself,

suffice, there has to be a balance between space and earth communication,

the biggest dilemma would be to gain certainty in a too vast space,

kierkegaard tried to understand this, the degree of uncertainty,

is relevant to the qualia of anxiety,

The Creeper.

2011-09-27T15:17:00.000-07:00

one who finds out,

through an inspecting nature and careful discernment,

an intelligent one,

the only way is to creep around,

and gain information,

ideally attain inside information,

so as to,

gain the upper hand,

there's a war to be fought,

but with the right knowledge,

it need not be a bloody one,

that's why it's imperative,

to gain some kind of useful advantage,

something something,

wish i didn't know anything,

mind blank,

but now i know,

and that's gotta be worth something,

at least i know,

something,

this could then prove beneficial,

this knowledge,

hence why i am creeping around,

Wedding.

2011-09-23T16:16:00.000-07:00

i am going to a wedding tomorrow,

err,

not necessarily going,

rather i'd stay in asker and drink.. lax..,

Lingering Plague, Dire Need Of Cultivating The Innermost, I Stay In Shelter, Have To Become A Survivor.

2011-09-17T16:39:00.001-07:00

there is a lingering plague,

a new, difficult dilemma arose,

i am in dire need of resolving this increasing inner death,

it is not always a destructive mind that creates destruction,

sometimes it is the sum of a certain amount of circumstances,

that create destructive consequences,

that is not ones own doing,

i am in dire need of cultivating the innermost,

into a livable inner cosmic atmosphere,

it is indeed maddening, often outright disturbing,

i cling to some safety,

i'm no longer able to do what most people can,

yet i can do things none can,

as magically as it may sound, doesn't matter if none believe me,

i know for certain the wisdom of the sages,

the mystical perception, that is beyond rationality,

that non-rationality,

that is a result of,

dabbling in psyche-neuroticism,

an everyday psychenaut, in an advanced intensivity course,

in my own school of autodidactism,

i stay in shelter,

the energy is so transforming,

yet painful psychologically to bare,

but i cannot do other than make the best,

out of this never ending nightmare,

be positive when it is most needed,

become a talent for highly intelligent self-healing,

whenever needed,

i have to become a survivor,

in this sometimes messy ordeal

Can Have It All, No More The Ego Meander Off Into Desires.

2011-09-13T15:48:00.000-07:00

can have it all,

don't need it,

not even my sanity,

i can have all,

by having nothing,

it is elusive,

that nothingness,

that makes me feel whole,

and beyond wholeness of being,

so serious, so advanced

life is not always light-hearted,

don't want to joke everything away,

every moment is a moment of,

potential limitlessness,

elusive as it is,

no wonder why,

enlightenment happens upon death,

at the end,

all that is left is surrender,

no more,

the ego meander off,

into desires,

Rampaging Headache, Wide Awake.

2011-09-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

the energy built up,

the headache is rampaging,

it is scary how bad it can become,

from heaven to hell,

the mind won't calm down,

the energy for some reason went haywire,

and it was not calculated,

this is weird and disrupting,

maybe i should allow the energy to surface,

in however it will manifest,

to surrender is not easy,

even after 3 years,

i'm wide awake,

i feel inflicted by a spiritual disease,

until i allow the energy to manifest,

maybe it will subside,

then the disease becomes a rejuvenating one,

just another hell,

should survive this one too,

life is suffering,

Inner Steam, In Denial, Post-Halt It, Logical Prefrontal Lobe Way.

2011-09-11T14:59:00.000-07:00

i hold it in,

for a very long time,

the inner steam,

is aching to fuel the machinery,

i am negative,

in denial,

it doesn't exist now,

i reject it's surfacing,

or rather post-halt it,

there is a long time-gap,

when the steam is increasing,

increasingly,

it is trying to surface,

steam building up,

franticly so,

makes for a frantic mind,

if i can can be eased,

through sterile environment,

i can pump the engines with lots of steam,

and come into a normal functioning,

in a hyper activated,

logical prefrontal lobe way,

i am mechanically,

extra-terrestrially,

magnificent,

Another Round Of Sleeplessness, Healing Past Trauma, Meaninglessness, Deep Shadow-Dusk, Blind In Explorations.

2011-08-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

another round of sleepless night,

work is something i enjoy, but as long as i'm not getting enough rest,

this insomnia-tendency is breaking down my willpower and tearing on my endurance,

i reckon i've had worse, but i don't recall those experiences very pleasant,

healing the past trauma,

the autonomous shock of 'something',

greater than myself,

it evolves into a secret to mankind, one that is with me through thick and thin,

and i do continue the incessant bravery,

always, i have to test the limits, even if i don't 'really' want to,

coincidences make an opening,

for meaninglessness,

the testing of my mental resilience,

i don't see any meaning to that,

will it again give me great faith and confidence,

to struggle with anguish,

and metaphysical meandering,

without a lantern, in deep shadow-dusk,

i am blind in my explorations,

as if the only, or at least one way to newfound redemption,

is paving through the hardest seeming 'obstructions' in my human psyche,

Nowhere.

2011-08-25T11:56:00.000-07:00

finally I found my path,

i'm going!

i'm going nowhere,

Philosophy, Mechanism Or Rule-Based Approach, My Own Way.

2011-08-20T15:41:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't even want to study philosophy at this time, because it is a hinderance to my own unique reading in this spiritual endeavour. I don't want to be polluted with any bias or pre-constructed ideas from other philosophers. I am in a sense a philosopher myself, one going unmistakably through a (seemingly) advanced and permanent kundalini awakening process, at least I have had no signs of this energy going back into dormancy. I am secretly a P.G.Krishna poster-child and mayhaps even a Nietzsche one. Lately I have met a small hinderance in regards to expressing my thoughts in written form, a combination of k developing a mental daze whilst sitting for prolonged periods in front of the computer and a lack of ability to bring up the usual vocabulary and progressively develop it. My language is very advanced in emotions thus there is an urging need to testament them. My language is a combination of autodidacticism and healing laze, my reading is not affected by any other than the possible perception my extraordinary process might give, and whether it's a non-understood process, I am in a constant chemical flux, therefore I have submit only to the dynamic flux and therefore not constructed rule-based mechanisms of approach in my life. It is very hard to be definitive whilst going through a process that is yet unknown in definition, only that it is the spiritual joker that pulls the very strings of my trans-rationality. One result here is the occasional submergence into the mystical ocean of creation, and that creative ocean then polish the mind in an intensity such as the sea-waves grinding the edge of a rock, any misshapenness is molded into a design that even a sculpturer would admire.

Pieces Falling Into Place, Fragments Of My Life.

2011-08-16T14:56:00.001-07:00

pieces falling into place,

fragments of my life,

even a monday can outdo a promising sunday,

even a tuesday can outdo a saturday,

a wednesday can be of friday mood,

a thursday can be a day off,

Alternative.

2011-08-08T16:17:00.000-07:00

If all fail and nothing works, might as well do as ye will for there is no more sorrow than not conquering the day, in the many ways it can be done. It is more than just the duty of others, that's more or less insignificant to the process.

Consciousness Death And Misdiagnosed Insanity.

2011-07-28T15:29:00.000-07:00

Cult of Death is the thought that life is an illusion and there is a way to escape from it, through conscious death, meaning to die consciously without dying. There are ways to temporarily experience higher states of consciousness through the use of psychedelic drugs, thought there is a chance it will permanently open the doors to the mystical.. The kundalini awakening process is what all yoga aim for, and what some psyche-nauts also aim for, the end goal. The final goal that opens up another world. In some cases a person undergoing the remarkable transformation known as kundalini awakening process might have been rendered psychotically ill. A sorry case to be misunderstood by society. In actuality the world is not yet ready to accept kundalini awakening as an 'acceptable mystical phenomenon'. In fact all these mystical, or spiritual experiences may highly likely be interconnected but misunderstood, and has become a key-word for insanity, such as bipolar 1 disorder, schizophrenia, and various psychotic disorders. It is easy then to understand why psychiatrists and doctors misdiagnose people, the spiritual awakening and psychological upheaval becoming a mania to that one of the bipolar.

Energy Of Awakening - Part 1 Of 3.

2011-07-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

human beings carry within them an amazing secret. . . a secret so profound and buried so deep even they have forgotten it. The potential implicit in the recovery of this secret involves access to resources, powers and abilities of such magnitude as to cause an amazing evolutionary process in which the human being transforms and evolves into a condition wherein one is capable of direct, conscious union with the incomprehensible mystery known as the self.

this process functions along forces and influences of natural law. It is most effective in the arena of transformation, and generates the evolution of identity which must occur for the individual consciousness to expand to the level of awareness known as universal.

it is the awakening of kundalini, the power reflex of time, the primal force of creation and transformation that initiates this process.

Remembrance Of That.

2011-07-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

remembrance of 'that'

seemed like an eternity past

that aztec sun

burned solid

the thunderous wind

disciplining and stirring great ocean

the words incoherent

mind and body in a beyond crisis

nervous system overdrive

that's

what i got

a sacred 'would-be' experience

hadn't it been a psychedelic nightmare

for a 'wet-behind-the-ears'

unable to vocalize the miraculously rare soul language

memories is then

all i've got

A Snippet Of P.G.Krishna

2011-07-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

"Comparing my later stable mental condition with what it had been in the initial stages, after the crisis, the realization came to me that I had escaped the clutches of insanity by the narrowest margin, and that I owed my deliverance not to any effort of mine, but to the benign disposition of the energy itself. In the primary stages, particularly before the crisis, for certain very cogent reasons the vital current appeared to be acting erratically and blindly like swollen water of a flooded stream which, pouring out through a breach in the embankment, rushes madly here and there trying to scour out a new channel for its passage. Years later I had an inkling of what had actually happened and could guess at the marvel lying hidden in the human body, unsuspected, waiting for the needed invocation from the owner and a favorable opportunity to leap to action, when, ploughing its way through the flesh like the diverted stream in flood, it creates new channels in the nervous system and the brain to endow the fortunate individual with unbelievable mental and spiritual powers."

A Bit Of Blues And Death.

2011-06-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

woke up, woke up one morning,

the day planned before my eyes,

on the sidewalk, i met death in an alleyway,

i met death in a dark alleyway,

now it's me and death,

and i've got the blues again,

here we go,

du-da-du-da

i bit death and got the blues,

now i'm down on my luck again,

i bit death and there's no way back,

cause i got the blues, and there's no turning back,

i've got the world heavy on my shoulder,

and i've got the blues all over again,

here we go,

du-da-du-da

A Little Bit Of Nightmare.

2011-06-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

mediocre nights rest,

fridge apparently, was not closed last night, and there was nothing to consume in the house,

with increasing hunger, benzodiazepine withdrawal, and kundalini aggravation, i brood,

while at the same time being batted at for not closing the fridge properly last night..

Grandfather.

2011-05-23T17:05:00.000-07:00

My grandfather just died 08:00pm today.

He didn't suffer.

He just fell asleep forever in a peaceful slumber.

Energy Building Up, Vibrations Increasing, I am Lighted Up, High Volt Lamp, I Am A Beacon.

2011-05-15T18:13:00.000-07:00

i've been sitting too much staring into the computer,

the energy building up again,

i am dizzy..

i can feel the vibrations increasing,

i can feel it at the extent of electricity,

we're talking high volt lamps,

i am lighted up like a beacon,

the anxiety could easily build up now,

and overwhelm me with dread,

resulting in intense suffering..

and purification..

i am a beacon,

i withdraw to do some measures,

to be able to sit down over the dinner-table..

Ego-Death Vs. True Death.

2011-04-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

the most honorable death is

to die in meditation

if this jedi-force allows me to do so

it is my free will to do so

it is better to die in meditation

if the opportunity bids itself

which it so rarely does

than live a life of

a so-called hyper-religious paranoid

in a more or less enlightened state

much more honorable

to just die with the help of this transcendence state

i dont need to prove anything

i certainly don't expect to ever be understood

in this life

and i might as well die in a complete state of

meditative self-absorbation

because this energy can absorb my very life

and possibly kill me if i decide to die

in complete stillness

the greatest

the most honorable death

Lukewarm Date.

2011-04-15T16:42:00.000-07:00

lukewarm date

coincidence

boring sod date

might as well called my ex. for some friday night candy

better than that lukewarm date

Long Journey Traveler.

2011-03-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

an old journey,

long journey traveler,

back in town,

on a short visit,

into the pulsating town-life,

he strays from one place to the other,

he is not of this world,

doesn't fit in,

with the others,

he's a traveler,

of the lonesome road,

to nowhere

Brooding Rage.

2011-03-16T12:15:00.000-07:00

i feel sick

and

i am suffering

i am not satisfied

and i have this brooding rage

i just want to smash something

so that i can say

that was my doing

the day of my terrible rage

i hate this living

i am sick

and tired of this shit

just want to not exist

anymore

this process i go through

that i am told

i need to shut up about

and suppress

is penetrating my daily life

and i am screaming and sobbing through the day

like the screeching on stressed railroads

this day is just another traumatic day

in my life of endless nightmares

untold suffering

The One Who Pays The Toll, Choose To Dwell In The Shadow.

2011-03-14T16:05:00.000-07:00

the nightmare revisited,

the inevitability of occasional insanity,

the inevitable journey i must undertake,

continues,

through psychological upheaval,

throughout the tunnel,

i come out,

on the other side,

into the mystical realm,

higher up,

i am going,

this eve,

'tis the will of something,

greater than my self,

my sanity at least,

for that reason i choose

to suffer silently,

to release myself from earth-felt ground,

to go into beta-testing,

the grim reaper,

claims a certain fee,

and the one who pays the toll,

surrender,

and choose to dwell in the shadow dusk,

even on the brightest day,

Cogito Ergo Sum, Without A Firm Grip, To The Caduceus Staff.

2011-03-08T15:39:00.000-08:00

cogito ergo sum,

on a stick,

the dough is sour,

the plane lifts off, into cosmos - and beyond,

my mind expanding,

that aerie feel,

standing on a grand balcony,

surrender,

what view

i dare say,

..but i dare not think,

when speared,

by the mystical caduceus staff

i die into oblivion,

somehow still blinking,

torturous,

magickal,

wonder and awe, every time,

i do not cease to exist,

still blinking,

and the afternoon became a dark night,

in the empty pool,

'tis just another limbo,

wonder and awe,

and dread,

why can't i use the staff,

as a walking stave,

without a firm grip, i can never be steady

while in the abyss

no matter how many a times,

i swirl into dimensional timelessness,

always a waking nightmare,

'tis dangerous to walk on unsteady ground,

on quicksand and mound

without a firm grip,

around the caduceus staff,

but i do not own it,

somehow it owns me,

in a sense that i have to surrender my consciouness,

to ride through the otherwise forbidden gate,

on the stormy waves,

in search of the hidden

WoW Achievements.

2011-02-13T13:33:00.000-08:00

Today I have explored Durotar, Azshara, Ashenvale and Mulgore. I finished the Ashenvale and Darkshore quests. That's 70/70 (Ashenvale) and 90/90 (Darkshore).

Man On The Roof, Snapping Gravel Stone.

2011-02-10T14:33:00.000-08:00

There is a man on the roof today!

He is proud and self-rightious, severely bullying.. and somewhat autistic.

Snapping gravel stones on passing victims.

What a psychopath!

Lock him in - why don't they?

He is definitely a psychopath!

Normal people don't do this sort of thing..

He continued to snap.. and people.. they jumped off every time.

Nothing.

2011-02-07T15:43:00.000-08:00

Nothing.

Disheartened And Fearful.

2011-01-03T09:34:00.000-08:00

meaninglessness,

snuffed the meaning out,

empty room,

emptiness,

great frustration,

great protector,

if I now put my mail-helmet on,

mean it war?

vigilant,

but a weakness is exposed,

and exposed is what I am,

disheartened and fearful,

mean it defeat?

peace is what I came for,

war is what I got,

when defeat is an impending doom,

wil I go on?

Never Ending Nightmare Of Mental Anguish.

2010-12-15T16:23:00.000-08:00

The aggravating restlessness go on,

I cannot find the means to rest my mind,

it is midnight,

I'm expected to sleep soon,

I cannot find peace of mind,

it is terrifying now,

I'm not sure if I will make it this time,

that type of feeling.

It devours my sanity.

I feel in-between dissolution and creation,

if I but rest my mind for even a moment,

the energy rushes into my mind,

and increase my dreadful anxiety.

Kundalini is manifesting as Kali this time,

for my over 2 years of fight/flight,

this one night is the most terrifying yet,

as far as I remember,

and I don't know why.

One has to live,

and now I feel like I'm as dead as can be,

falling in and out of my body,

almost randomly,

it is so terrifying right now,

I feel like I'm as close as I can be,

to this spiritual insanity,

and the energy level itself,

really isn't as rampant as could be,

feels like it's been more intense.

I recall I have been in more intense states,

I definitely have,

but I fear for my psychological condition,

it is not always good to suffer,

at least not for a prolonged time,

in a different self-identification,

in a sense of timelessness,

because when you do occasionally 'come back',

you are apathetic and depressed,

nothing makes you glad anymore.

Too much mental anguish,

can wipe away any hopes,

even the smallest remnants,

of this one glimpse I cling onto.

The stormy waves eventually managed to drown me,

in the end it washed away the remnants,

of even the most resilient hopes,

of one day being able to return,

into a more psychologically fortunate situation,

I am in a sense in hell,

but I am still breathing,

even thought I feel dead,

and I am to believe what I'm persevering,

is most precious and sacred,

feeling like this undead corpse,

Blast it all,

such hearsay,

saying it's happy-go journey,

obviously have no first-hand experience,

of what they're ignorantly spouting,

sometimes just annoys me more than my own strife,

how they can be such hypocritical liars,

'tis not the truth,

it could never be like they say,

because the ego is their platform,

and when that is being polished away,

it's never happy-go.

No matter who you are,

or think you are,

you hold such high esteem of yourself,

likely wouldn't last more than a day,

before really understanding the saying,

"Be careful what you wish for,

you just might get it."

I'd rather my life end,

than be trapped in this never ending nightmare of mental anguish.

Sleep Deprivation, Torment And Strife.

2010-12-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

I can't get no sleep anymore,

and I got this flu,

now it's impossible to get a good night,

I have felt so many times,

like I'm never gonna make it,

I feel like I'm slipping away,

living in this never ending torment and strife

Sleep depravation and K is a killer combo,

and added the flu,

I feel like I have no chance,

against this great disruption,

why don't I just do like the rest,

medicating it all,

but I don't,

even though at times it would seem like a good idea,

just to get a good night's sleep.

Never Ending Search For Something More.

2010-11-16T07:57:00.000-08:00

The lost ones tend to findings in what they are, like shattered glass on floor, attempting to glue back the pieces to feel integrated again. If you instead sweep the glass from the floor and put it all in a trash-bin you are approaching the problem from the other way around, by pulling the roots from the very bottom you eliminate the never ending search for meaning. Maybe something more interesting will happen. Maybe nothing will happen.

Yet You Are Here, Yet You Are Not.

2010-11-06T13:55:00.000-07:00

you are here, but you have left, yet you are here, yet you are gone, yet i can see you, yet you have dimnished before my eyes, yet i can hear you, yet your voice seem now distant and afar, yet i can smell you, yet it is just my memory of yours smell.

Nothing Is What I Know, That's What I Know.

2010-11-06T13:16:00.000-07:00

the wind is bonkers today

wind emergency 411

they are probably busied with their donuts, rather than knee-deep in telephone inquiries

it's windy inside my body, like a whirlpool whipping up to something more ferocious

my last two years has been a poster of edward munch's 'scream'

the indian said

the wind serpent is not a child's play, yet the child becomes apparent in you

i forgot i was breathing

now i became consciously aware that i am not dead

did you travel afar

farther than a normally functioning mind ever could, i imagine

i have travelled far metaphysically, but never moved an inch

this world is a mystery for sure.. i am a little baby

i'm glad you're not into adultery

howdya know

i don't know

i once saw the eyes of an 80 year old. he had the look of a child

howdya know

i know nothing, that's what i know

the eyes are windows for sure and you do know

nothing is what i know

Lost, Feeling Fully Detached.

2010-10-24T15:43:00.000-07:00

another day of feeling lost and detached from my body/mind, to a degree of feeling total detachment. it is like an old nightmare is coming back. it is hard to cope these days, especially today. if this keeps up i'll feel i'll not make it. better i skip work so as to be able to catch up on myself, sort to speak. i feel i'm fighting for my life here. on a daily basis, just to not fall too deep in the water.

Special Grace.

2010-10-23T16:50:00.000-07:00

all i want is to retreat back into bed,

staying there with all my demons,

to be able to suffer in contempt,

and allow everything to come up,

i am in such a sensitive state,

if any one should intrude on me,

i might become hostile,

just leave me the heck alone,

here comes another dark night,

until dusk i stay -

awake -

my faith -

i'm losing it -

my mind -

seems too far out there,

to ever be able to,

descend back into place,

my senses so..

fragmented,

how can this mess,

of shattered glass,

ever be glued back,

how can i ever be a sturdy mind,

after years of inner turmoil and ramble,

..when i have lost that special grace,

that gave me faith in the first place

The Fosse.

2010-10-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

Just because one has the force doesn't necessarily mean one is supposed to use it. It is like holding in a big dry fart.. if you hold it in too long it begins to grow in your bowel, like a tree, and then the fart becomes a big 'un.

Social Worker, Treason Into 'Their' Field Of Study, Value-Pack.

2010-10-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

I am not a social worker by profession, but I sorta, 'accidentally', dabble into it because people have a tendency to keep me occupied in their conversational needs. There should be no treason for me to enter 'their' field of study when I have proven to be more than qualified utilizing my own competent applications in a humble intent of giving a therapeutical value-pack.

At the very least, it seems to make people nay slightly less than content. Is fab, isn't it?

Difficulty, Primarily.

2010-09-12T15:18:00.000-07:00

If anything were ever to be of extreme difficulty in my life, it would revolve primarily around my K awakening.

Dream Diary Randomry.

2010-09-11T02:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight I dreamt that I met someone with K that was with another woman (Psychiatric Nurse?) and they were down by the sea I think. And then I asked to join them and I did. I did it because I think the woman who was being tended to had K. We went for a walk, us two with K and the Nurse and a Guy. Suddenly when we went to a house the girl with K started screaming and I could see/feel her pain because I am sensitive that way. Then I began to share a bond with the girl with the K and I tried later, when the Nurse was not present around us and the Guy also wasn't, to tell her about the spiritual meaning of K, not the religious, because for me (in the dream), it was important to tell someone going through it that it's not insanity, quite the opposite. I helped her very much it seemed, and it seemed I did exactly what I was supposed to kinda feeling (in the dream), and then suddenly we were sitting in a car all four with two levels.

The Girl with the K was downstairs in first floor (i think), and the Nurse and the Guy and me were in second floor. The Nurse was crying because of some strange reason. It almost seemed like she was jealous that I helped the girl with K more than she could, because she didn't understand why she was behaving the way she was, originally, since K is a mysterious thing to people who don't have it themselves. It might be impossible to understand. The Nurse seemed jealous at me just because I had formed a bond with the K girl.

In a sense she was just like me, just more experienced (i think), which made me very interested in her. Yet there was one thing I could help her with, and there was probably a lot she could teach me also.

Suddenly I am walking down the stairs to a terrace. I see someone who is supposedly my son, crying on a chair.

It is night and almost black, hadn't it been for the few candle-lights in the terrace.

Then another guy who looks to be my son's friend say; "Don't cry about it..", and then coming up to the terrace from our lawn.

Then suddenly I see a girl from another angle behind a left terrace wall, and I see she has crutches.

She didn't seem handicapped, just something that happened to her in school or something so that she had to wear them for a while.

She is very drunk and is lying on the grass lawn and I help her up, then support her to a terrace-chair.

It feels like I am helping my son, who is crying about the crutched woman because of some reason, maybe he is in love with her and they argued etc.

Bipolar or Waking Up?!: Man, Norway is definitely waking up!

2010-08-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

Bipolar or Waking Up?!: Man, Norway is definitely waking up!

Nighttimes.

2010-08-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

Every night.

I withdraw into my bed.

Waiting for this energy to calm down.

I am in a spiritual trauma.

There is no way to escape.

This energy, never give me any rest.

Yet I am to believe it is a great blessing,

even when it feels like a curse.

I don't know how I managed this far,

or why I still go on.

Why do I still go on.

I just do.

Art-Teacher Asked Me To Paint, Egg-White, Spotify, Am I already Dead?

2010-08-11T11:49:00.000-07:00

An art-teacher asked me to paint the walls in the second floor room.

I said yes.

Tomorrow I am painting the walls in egg-white.

Who knows, maybe I'll get a free painting course?

Right now I am listening to All India Radio on Spotify.

It is such an awesome application.

Days are sometimes so tedious at work.

It is outright boring some days.

And I get relatively tired.

Because of this world I have to keep up and going.

What is the reward for taking such an arduous path..

And how do I manage..

Am I going to die for real, or am I already dead?

Myers-Briggs Personality Type.

2010-08-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

INFP
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INFP

--Healer (role variant)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Healer_(Role_Variant)

--Idealist temperament

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idealist_temperament

--Keirsey Temperament Sorter

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keirsey_Temperament_Sorter

Cafe With Work-Colleague, Gargantuous Piece Of Carrot-Cake, Four Beers, Spiritual Meeting And Angry Bus-Driver.

2010-08-06T13:24:00.000-07:00

After work today I went to the cafe with a work-colleague. Right when we sat down my mother was sitting at the neighboring table. My friend introduced himself to my mother and then we continued the chatting. I ordered a cappuccino and a carrot-cake. (In this cafe they are famous for their carrot-cakes, hence why I go there, for my coffee and carrot-cake.) When I ordered my cake the woman behind the disk asked if I wanted the 'reeeaaally' large cake piece, and I said yes, sure. She gave me this huuuge piece.

Whilst sitting outside, my work-colleague told the same woman I ordered the large cake-piece from, that if I could eat it all up, would she give me a hug? I felt a bit uncomfortable that my friend said that to her. She said yes, if you can eat it all I'll give you a hug, if you want. After several smokes, and chatting, I finally ate the last piece. She gave me a hug, and my work-colleague took a picture of it. I felt rather uncomfortable with the hugging and the picture being taken, and I felt a bit retarded. Actually I looked retarded on the picture, at least I thought so.

We advanced to a bar, sitting outside drinking some beers, with the occasional sun gazing between the openings in the sky.

I went to the bus station and waited for a while. Then I went to ask when my bus was coming, since there are extra buses going, because the train-station is currently being repaired. Then I got in contact with a stranger and started talking with him. We got into the term spirituality and kundalini, and he told me he was actually going to become a high priest. He was studying rituals and psychology. He was also an artist, making music and studying occultism.

We went into the middle door of the bus and sat down. Suddenly the bus-driver comes stomping to us asking if we were the ones who went into the middle door. He was really angry because of that, and we told him we would come to the front an pay.

We continued to talk on the bus, about spirituality. Then he went off, and I shook his hand and waved to him. He was going to meet a certain high priest. He wanted to become a high priest himself. On the rest of the road on the bus I wore my headphones, listening to my iPod.

Sometimes I just sorta meet these strangers and it feels unmistakably meant to be, these meetings and moments that happen whilst going through my spiritual journey.

Death, Dream, Everything Is Consumed, Empty Lands, Weakness.

2010-08-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

death instead of life

dream instead of reality

no answers to be found

in limbo

only insanity

i want to give up

some things i do give up

but it seems it is not enough

everything is consumed

and digested

everything is consumed

in the vacuum

there are no fairies here

only emptiness

feels like a point of no return

and i might as well idle

waiting for nothing to happen

because that is all there is in the now

empty lands

it is so defined now

i am alone here

even in crowded places

alone in this dimension

and it feels like

i have to stay here

for no less

than

an eternity

i try to define

what is strength

after some thought

i find that

weakness

is the greatest one

my own weakness

expose me

and i die quickly

like that of a mirror

i shatter

it is painful

to be stung by my own pieces

Holding On To Something, Fear Of Integration, No More Certainty. Anguish - In The Purgatory.

2010-03-01T11:40:00.000-08:00

I manage to hold onto something within me, I fear for my integration, of not being certain, I surrender what I can give up, I don't know what else to do at this time. I am being tormented by waves of fear and feelings of hopelessness, by the uncertainty of this whole existence, this unreality of mine everything, even myself, whilst being myself.. I ponder hereby how I came to be in this situation, but I cannot remember much... - I don't want to remember.. I am young, I don't understand what a normal life is anymore, at least not in this mess I have gotten myself into. Do I really deserve this? I deserve only the best. There is much anguish - in the purgatory.

Golden Embroidery Woven Into An Otherwise Grey Drape.

2010-01-23T14:26:00.000-08:00

When once again life becomes a battle.

Every day becomes a journey through the darkness, in the innermost void.

It matters not how trivial life may be.

But how deep.

Living in the vast creativity.

But also of anguish and anxiety.

The freedom.

Like an astronaut exploring space.

Of unknown lands, so beyond the limits of gravity.

And sometimes returning.

But when you lie there.

You know you will be back up there, in the timeless space.

It is frightening.

But the journey is unmistakably, the golden embroidery woven into an otherwise grey drape.

It is obvious that you are different, when you feel like a story in "Thousand-and-one Nights".

Out From A Nonsense-Life Came A Garland Of Poses Through Mysterious Random Occurences Which Triggered Past-Life Enquiry And Altered-States Of Mind

2009-11-13T16:28:00.000-08:00

I felt I could do no other than to sit in front of a computer all day, making philosophical enquiries and mental words-salads out of thoughts, to sit in a chair, staring at the sometimes inevitable doom of the blue screen of death, long enough to become a vegetating cyberspace hermit. Out from this nonsense life, my spiritual enquiry had already began! Who would have thought so? I certainly didn't..

So who would have thought that I, of all people out there, were to have a genuine spiritual awakening at these early ages. It's not like I am in some premature midlife-crisis either.

Yet the existential ponder I have had since I began to idle in my teeny-years, whilst sheltered from social relations and circumstances, did deliver me non-mistakenly to the garland of poses in an Ashtanga Yoga center in Oslo, after a series of 'mysterious' occurences. It was definitely not like I found this Yoga on my own, there were a bunch of 'random' occurences that seemed unmistakenly 'meant-to-be', to ever be considered in relation to personal choice of the matter.

From here on things went on its own, I was being led into what eventually some may call spiritual emergence, or altered-states, or as they might have labeled me in the ignorance of psychiatric dabble; psychotic. It is none of these, yet at times I have questioned my sanity, but in the end I know I am right, because I have these surges in my body every day now, and I clearly distinquish between what is hot and cold, what is right and wrong. What is intelligence, what is intuition. What is sanity, what is insanity.. although I found at the verge of being somewhat insane, profound sanity in it, and insanity in my previous 'sane' state of mind, which is now completely purified.

The 'Do's And Don'ts' Of Edible, And Otherwise Consumable Things

2009-10-29T13:24:00.000-07:00

When the nervous system is aroused it is already too easy to get stressed out by a variety of things going on either inside or outside of us, because of the neuroemotional association and reactions to fears and dreads, so then it would be obvious that there is no need for any stimulants like coffee, tea, coke (sodas), lemonades or other soft drinks containing arguably unreasonable amounts of sugar. The ideal would be a calm and steady mind. Considerable difficulty can arise from things such as alot of coffee and sugar intake. Generally things that are calming and soothing on the body, ('Vata' in Ayurveda). Raw vegetables, boiled vegatables, not ice cold water, warm soups, but not too sweet or spicy. Try to avoid much salt, sugar, pepper, and other types of seasonings, as these things tend to affect the body-mind. Regarding medications I would say that one should avoid it, but have a certain balance, because it is not very rational or grounding to fly above the ground for excess periods of time, as they can seem disturbing to other people, one has to stay within the humano-social range or atleast on the edge. If you were an astronaut on a planet without gravity the normal thing to do would be to not go off the planet, because of the fear and confusion in open space, not being able to know whether you'll ever land on solid ground again, that could cause alot of anxieties. The social bit is very important at times, when you are able to express out your insights and lessons.

On The Bus I Saw A Reflection Of Two Beady, Curious Eyes

2009-09-24T08:45:00.000-07:00

Today after work (I work as a part time carpenter) I was really tired and I was literally full of muck and all sorts of dirt and I was sitting quietly in contempt on the bus trying to concentrate on not getting stressed out. I glanced in the bus window a woman staring at me with curious beady eyes from the shady window reflection, when I saw her eyes she immediately withdrew her curiosity from me. I went off the bus and stopped for a second on the pavement. Before me I saw a beautiful woman walking past me, the same that was looking at me in the shady window reflection, and I got a feeling of limerance to the life that I used to live, when my consciousness was steady and I was ignorant to the wisdom of the world. Even after a while she had stopped further down the road pavement near some forest crossroad and it felt like she was waiting just to see me cross her, she was talking to some kids and it felt as if she was indeed waiting for something, or someone. I felt a bit spaced out (as I often do), and so, I just walked past without giving the least bit of attention to her. There was something to her eyes in the window reflection that gave me a feeling of love and compassion, so I felt soft and like a cushion for the rest of my walk home. She was not a cutey or anything.. she was a real woman, and she was really gorgeous.

Kundalini, The Nervous System, And Chakra Over-Activation

2009-07-30T17:52:00.001-07:00

This raw source of electricity is enough to light up the backyard in a rural district. That being said, the vehicle of such an amount of increased energy is bound to have their nervous system go haywire, often creating more a natural reaction of disturbance and acute introspection than awe and wonder. Once you have become accustomed with being a psychenaut, having accepted and opened yourself to exploring other realms of existence and these varying extreme states of consciousness that follows a genuine awakening, rather than worrying about psychosis, you become a time- and space traveller. Everything is going so quickly and there is definitely no stopping up to think, there is only the infinite and the 'now'. The intuition is truly the only security one has in such an unfortunate awakening process.

I became a psychenaut after it happened... changing quickly. Only faith in myself and my ability to recuperate somehow.. some day.. gave me strength to endure and still enduring. I was simply not prepared mentally and also my personality is melancholic/phlegmatic and I had alot of unresolved karma (blocks), so had lots of traumas already, kundalini enhanced my suffering to a great extent that I thought was unbearable to endure, but I made it through hell and everything's better than being down there, in the bottom of the gutter of panic anxiety and depression. Good thing I recuperated quickly and somehow got back up.What kundalini does is activate your chakras to.. let's say 200- 400%, so if a normal very healthy perfectly working body/mind has all the chakras active at 100%, that person is most likely a very happy and stable person, and lives at the peak of egoic whims. Kundalini temporarily over-activates the nervous system and the chakra vortexes and so your chakras might activate to the maximum cutting edge of what your nervous system can handle, to as much as 400%. At that stage you are unable to think, even breathe, but at 200% and 300% you are in great suffering because you cannot utilise your self and adapt to the normal society, nor do most things other than sit still and focus on one-pointedness of mind, or rather 'meld into the object of concentration'. You are in a state of complete samadhi where your personality, (sense of identity) is not present, you are just pure awareness and you will not be able to work in the usual way because your supra-conscious and cosmic consciousness works in a much different manner than your normal waking consciousness. It will dispell the ignorance of your mind very quickly and prejudices and you have to be that 'one', witnessing your own disappearing into some inner void or space and you get this mental claustrophobia as a cause of the intensified purification. A spark of pranotthana or kundalini-energy isn't the same as kundalini-awakening - now that very source called the kundalini-serpent has began to ascend upwards to meet it's male counterpart Shiva to unite, when it happens, a state of complete non-dualism happens, a state of one'ness. It would be completely blissful if it happened very slowly, but unfortunately that isn't always controllable, nor the case..

Swimming Upstream, Riding Down the Stream, Popping Up From The Surface-Water Like A Cork

2009-07-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

The blog title is likened to the Japanese saying; "To swim upstream", just a bit modified here, but meaning the same thing. Whatever endevours in life we partake in, there is always a path we walk into, and some of them are easier to traverse than others. When swimming upstream you undertake a difficult path, sometimes it is undesired to take such an arduous path, whether it is a marathon or a psycheneurotic inner cosmic adventure - and sometimes this very path is the only one left, or it seems to haunt you anyway, finding back to you no matter how much you try to avoid your inevitable journey.

Kundalini And Depersonalisation

2009-07-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

I have wondered why so many strange 'unnecessary' symptoms occur during an awakening process such as in kundalini growth. It is almost a bit of a shame that one feels detached from physical existense and its attachments, including the simplicity of life. Before all of this I still had more sensations of both pleasure and pain, happiness and peace than I have now. It is obviously a very difficult disciplination going on while an intelligent source of energy begins a full, ongoing internal vacuum-cleaning process. There are so many ways to drift for the mind, so many pitfalls unless you can stay within the contemplative silence of the spinning tornado. Whenever you reach outside you enter a stormful atmosphere of desperately clinging onto some sort of demonstrative attempt of controlling the strings. It is rather us as the witness and as consciousness who must adapt to the voidy atmosphere and the mental freedom that is sometimes without boundaries. When feeling spaced out becomes your bread and butter every day imagination comes as a vital survival tactic. But as said, the freedom can make you scared by your own ability to conjure endless 'patterns and strings'.

Vision, Dream, A Purpose Perchance?

2009-06-21T14:21:00.000-07:00

I came to a realisation today.. There are so many people suffering from mystical to 'mental disorders' who are by, psychopathic psychiatric nurses, sent to psychiatric wards and institutions. I have come to this realisation that since apparently there are few to none with knowledge on this subject regarding kundalini and mystical experiences, other than in certain countries in the eastern continent, that I have come to the conclusion that I must share my knowledge on the subject to the needy. I want to create a center for these things, to encourage people to come and share their experiences. I feel a shame of living in a non-spiritual country that diagnose misunderstood people like germans mistreat underaged prostitutes in Thailand. My dream is to become a master of my own journey, of the realms of the psychenaut, of the various dimensions of the expanded reality. To come at the jourey's end, fully enlightened at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel of anguish and despair. My sole purpose for slipping into this path of spirituality has been to enter these realms that I travel into, in order to illuminate the darkness and dispell it. Since I am alone in this spiritual mystery I must find the way to enlightenment on my own. Probably a most dangerious and ardious path, but I'm a warrior that has never been afraid of getting some scars on the path, I might have to endure alot of suffering as well, I reckon, since I've already done so alot these pasttimes.

Kundalini-transformation

2009-06-08T11:39:00.000-07:00

I feel it is about time to share with you, dear reader, my experience so far with my kundalini awakening. It is much to say, but also much to be forgotten, for there have been far too many traumatic experiences, and very few blissful ones. Had I not felt as if I was fighting for my own sanity all the time and keeping up with the intense awareness without getting mentally exhausted, I would probably have been far more blissful. But I can only do what I am doing, and that is to remain as steady and clear as possible. It is an immensely difficult task that have been set up for me in this life, and I find it difficult to focus on more than the moment at hand, or I will surely fall into the nightmare that I have fallen into before, when it all started, and I had no idea of what was going on inside me and what challenges I had before me. Had I known it then, I would probably not have made it to this point, or perhaps I would somehow. I always find a rabbit-hole to jump into when the storm is riding me too hard. Maybe that is why I am suffering from some sort of meditative psychosis, a deep inner state of consciousness, I am now seeing through the looking glass, I sense it is far beyond normal human condition, and I am now in an extreme state of mind, or consciousness, but noone sees it except for myself. It is obvious that I am in a different space and time, an inner, transcendent void, or vacuum as if wrapped 'safely' around and finding my way around somehow. I am confronted with my innermost fears and dreads, I cannot remember much of what has happened.. or I don't want to remember.. I have tried to forget the most severe traumas. It's like I can't remember even if I try hard.. I have supressed it through these months of willpower endurance, learning to surrender to myself and the pure awareness, and accepting an unheard amount of inner emotional and mental suffering, almost breaking my psyche every day. I wonder how I manage at all. I will continue on this matter of spiritual emergency.

I feel I am close to losing control of my own world. I was up doing the dishes and I felt as if I was utterly neurotic, being confronted with alot of weird questions coming up to my mind. One of them, that has been pestering me for a long time is the feeling of being deranged, sometimes feeling lost, and the very unpleasant feelings and thoughts that this world, this existence seems so unreal, it is like I don't even exist any more, as if I am nothing, and everything feels more and more unfamiliar. Even my family, the world around me seems flat and boring, almost dead. And I am locked in an altered consciousness where I feel out of touch from the outside, from myself even, I see myself subjectively, as an explorer sometimes. When the day has been long I go into a temporary psychosis-type of state. I usually get waves of anxiety, and symptoms of depersonalisation and derealisation gives me the same feeling again and again that this life, my existence is nothing, my purpose seems utterly meaningless, as if I realised that everything is different, severly different than what I thought. I remember I withdrew myself gradually every day in the beginning stages. As it happened I had extreme fear and anxiety followed by panic attacks, now it is not as severe, I feel more suffocated than panical.

My life seems like it turned from easy, or normal mode to nightmare-mode. Just like the game difficulty on the Diablo series. Noone made it on nightmare, without deep concentration and will-strength and perseverence. I feel the same about being me. Just being myself now is sometimes an utter nightmare. The short feelings of mild peace or thoughtlessness is surely a relief from the neurotic suffering and intense non-stop awareness that exhausts my head.

I wish someone could help me on the path of the psychenaut, which is what I've become. Far from mature enough to fix this up on my own. I sometimes feel like a giant child, I would really just wake up tomorrow and be the one I was before all this started. Atleast I had some portion of ignorance, that has been dispelled and made my mental inhabitance at times hellish. I know with myself that this is an extreme state of mind, maybe noone belives me, maybe noone sees any change, but I am the consciousness that observes, I am that which has no identity, yet glows of unikeness to others. I am a servant to others, explorer of mine own existence.

Kundalini Arousal

2009-04-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

Kundalini energy arousal and altered/highened states of reality and 'trance'-states/transcendent reality. It has now become a fact that what I am going through - as many others claim to be the going through, is the 'god'/'shiva-shakti' union of trans-spiritual growth - the energy of higher consciousness evolve and transformation. Perhaps it is true that some of us who experience these 'phenomena' are given psychiatric diagnosises like bipolar and schizophrenia. I believe that from the pragmatic view of psychiatricians is insufficient in helping those experiencing spiritual 'phenomena'. Unfortunately there is a severe lack of acceptance and knowledge in these fields in western society, although I believe as more of these cases surface around in the western world there will be a higher awareness from the pragmatic side. Since many of those who do experience kundalini-related energy or higher/altered states of awareness/reality do not know what is going on, I am certain they will have some portion of mental confusion, anxiety and panic that naturally surfaces with different states of perception. Depersonalisation and a psychosis-like states, (but only resembles psychosis), can also come with this mentally challenging energy, because the nervous system goes haywire and the usual safer patterns of the brain is dissolved along with the ego/super-ego because it transcends, and one feels as if one is becoming more and more the observer from the inside and out, as if peering 'through the looking glass' with both fear and wonder.

This is only from my own experience with the help of some reading in order to try to accept what is going on, so that it is not to be associated with something that is negative, but certainly the fear of going mad, the existential anxiety and panic and the underlying fear and alertness can be quite a scary ongoing anticipation, because one must be purified of that which one may cling onto, but in the end, purification will happen, whether one resists or not. Medications can temporarily ground the energy, and it can be very wise with some grounding when the energy becomes reckless and you slip into an emergence state. They need not be very strong medications since on the spiritual heights one become naturally hypersensitive and sensory perception is far beyond ordinary levels. That is why suffering in these states feel like nightmare and hell, but it is actually only the sensations that become heighened, and thus one may be percieved to be a hypochondriac by others, because the sensations are greatly amplified, both with postive emotions and negative emotions, and one can even be led to suicidal thoughts and homicidal urges when all in all, a less refined body would not take the pain in a near similar way because it is not as pure and vulnerable as an extremely vibrant energy body, destructive habits can ultimately lead to untold suffering beyond comprehension.

This is only speaking from my own experience over about 6 months now (that is when the energy activity became high), and the result was panic anxiety and a struggle to remain rational even when every thought that came up into my mind became irrational because the anxiety has a tendency to make everything happening irrational.

And A Big Question Ensues As a Result Of Blogging Ramble

2009-01-13T18:49:00.001-08:00

I wonder if someone reads this blog-or even know it exists-and whether I'm the only one that understands/familiarise with this eccentric blog ramble?

My Usual Profile Inlay

2009-01-11T23:31:00.001-08:00

I am myself.

Spiritual.

Known to dabble in an unseen amount of things. Interested in almost anything, really. Like the others, (as to not seem like such a primitive human being), I also like finer food and wine.

My dream is to know a little about most things, even the mystical things, and ofcourse secret knowledge. I already know a whole lot about a thousand useless things which I never learned in school as far as I recall. But that's still just a tiny fragment of things-that I decided to put up here.

Things like ideology, theology, theosophy, mysticism, metaphysics interests me in general, I intend to learn more toward those kind of subjects and studies, but mostly I can't remember everything that I want to learn because it's more than I can come up with in my mind as of now.

"In the woods, if alone, you have to survive on your own using your instincts. In the city, if alone, you get around using your wits and communication skills. Learning persuasion can also come in handy, especially if you want to become a good haggler - I think people generally underestimate the value of good haggling, its a shame they don't accept this sort of bargaining in the general stores. It's surprisingly social and psychodramatic. And why not make use of gemstones as well--for the day when paper-money for some reason becomes worthless shall certainly come--because of some unknown catastrophe that makes it useless." -- Swami Espen.

"There is more to the world than what meets the eye, only a few of us realise that we are almost completely blind in delusion. Someone likes to hide us in a carpet of ignorance, why we do it to ourselves all the time--by letting ignorance slip into our naive little brain as fodder to our own eventual demise." -- Swami Espen.

"My 'philosophy on life' or ideology is believing in myself to some extent, as a potentially potent individual, however, I am not solely mine own redeemer, for the people that I meet in life has and always will affect me in some way or the other. So I believe my path is almost as unpredictable as the ramblings of a madman." "I am neither enlightened nor un-enlightened, I might be some place in-between, but I let others decide what I am, by letting them reveal to me their perceived reality of my fragmented identity." -- Swami Espen.

"Ego -is- two things. Visible, or non-visible. Neither is any better, some just conceal their true nature and agenda. Transparent ego is, however, enlightened living." -- Swami Espen.

"Cold here though, but we got ourselves a huge ass forest up here with miles of path into the yet unknown depth of the forestry. Haven't seen rosemary elves yet, though, but a yeti-baboon stomping quickly past my vertigo in the distance - an albino squirrel jollily chasing the frightened yeti-baboon. Oh my he was scared to death that huge baboon. Needless to say our albino squirrels are quite bloodthirsty. You should see them some time, just remember to pick up on a bazooka and an industrial helmet. Wa-heeee...." -- Swami Espen.

Panoramic Image

2009-01-11T18:48:00.000-08:00

Neslip stood energised before an elevated cliff. It was a special secret spot and usually a spectacular view. The foggy, dim-lighted, dusky atmosphere gave a gloomy yet pecular panoramic view in the near-early morning rise. It naturally shook him deep within to be able to even behold such a sight. He'd never seen it like this before! It could have been a dream, it mattered not though-it was nonetheless beautiful, and the feel and atmosphere was especially dreamy today. Something new happened to him after that day, one thing of atleast a certain essential quality. He was most perceptive and wise, he continued to grow in his approach of deepness of being in life and he found great depth in the world, that almost shook his spine at times.

Greslik sat down on an elevated cliff. He was weary in his legs. People said it was this 'secret' place. He'd heard much talk of all these 'special' places where ever people lived, whether it was located in the forest or somewhere else. It was nothing special he though, scratching the back of his head, and now he wanted to go home and rest on the couch. It gave him not much of an impression, but then again nothing really did. He had long forgotten to just be in his natural residence of being, so he missed out on alot of empty, yet substantial moments such as this. He had not managed to empty his mind on his journey to view and behold the beautiful panoramic forest scenery from the elevated cliffside. His world was lacking depth of view, so he never felt the depth of the life either. He might have had intelligence, but he did not ever obtain wisdom - that of perception and positive change. He had no depth.

Breath/Life, Its Impact, And The Arise Of Spiritual Awakening

2009-01-11T17:43:00.001-08:00

Breath is life. Oxygen is the only factor that plays a key role in our ability to sustain our own body. A good breath is a breath that has quality. Ultimately this makes a good quality of life. Breath is evaluated in its ability to journey freely into the the lungs and belly. With too little oxygen to the lower abdomen, constipation can arise. It is a result of shallow breathing, in turn accelerating both anxiety and stress. This can also create disease of the body. In general, breathing shallow or not breathing properly will soon mirror a less functional and vital body. As we are all aware of, radiance and vitality can not be obtained without the knowing of breath and its undeniable impact on each and every one of us. Other than basic knowledge of its impact on us, experiencing through practice is to be the main focal point, as it is far more fruitful to base oneself on healthiness in person, and not theorising of its profound effects. That would make no sense. Spirituality arises first and foremost from the point on where you regulate and correct your own breath, and your potentially dangerous breathing habits. That is awakening of self-enquiry. Much like the Alexander technique brings greater awareness to bad postural habits while sitting in front of a computer or simply a malevolent habitual walk.

Ride on the wings of the calm and easy state of mind and being, don't fall before yourself, don't cease to take responsibility of control of yourself!

Letter To The Disheartened

2009-01-11T17:41:00.000-08:00

Is it impossible for a person with a long path of darkness and suffering behind him/her-to contain this eventual happiness that surprisingly ensues when at the least expected so-as if manifestations of small glimmers of hope and illumination on what seems to always be daily strife and suffering-is it possible to contain this happiness for one who has always been deep into great despair? I think not. Although we survive, we do not treat ourself in the same degree of self-righteous compassion than those who are generally very happy. The ugly truth is that if you are somehow happy you are given all the gifts of good will and well-being, but mostly nothing if you are depressing. Fear not however, for thou art brave like a knight in shining armour!

There be no higher chances of happiness and success for those who are intelligent, high-energy beings, therefore some of us are bound to miserable states, acceptance may very well be the first step to find relief from the mental agony of that which proves only to be ceaseless if not surrendering upon.

Being too awake or aware of one's surroundings can be great suffering when the others crumble like maggots in comparison, but at the same time is integrated in their less awakened state without questioning-living fine and well in that unquestioning state on little to none spiritual awareness-the more awakened spirit beings certainly do question many things in order to see for themselves what is the real truth behind this--for themselves! Remarkable and glorious they are, radiant almost shining beings, protected by a mystical angelic contour, that never lets you slip away from this life of certain attachment-a life of utmost uncertainty.. willpower goes a long way.. so does one-pointedness of mind.

There is only a great deal of pain wrapped around in stories of the heads and minds of the men and women who thought too much for their own good, they did much work for the libraries to store of them, but a racing mind is not often a happy mind. Be brave enough to live, be proud enough to be one-pointed on the task at hand.. and you may just have challenged yourself in a new way.. which will lead you to what yet is a mystery to you, I would know, my days are strings of uncertainty, but I do what I do, and that is all that matters for now, as for you, and many others out there, it is of less importance-am I right-of what other people think of you, or even think for you.

You are your own will and the hopes for redemption may very well be very close to the end of the tunnel of despair!

Great blessings!

The Evil Eye

2009-01-11T17:23:00.000-08:00

you sit there in your comfy couch,
pretending to enjoy your standing,
you queue me up like a self-imposed arrogant buffoon,
when in fact your every so often sarcasm,
is a concealment of your lack of understanding,
and you assume yourself to be an intellectual,
when you can barely understand english,
and you impose upon all manner of strange ideas about yourself,
but i know you are not like this,
because ive seen you crumble on the ground like a scared child,
in dire need of repentance,
before my evil eye,
it destroys you within,
all this nonsense assuming and imposing,
and you are actually scared of mine one evil eye,
because it is the only thing that proves that you are wrong,
in so many ways,
therefore the killing silence,
of mine evil eye,
gazing deep within,
perhaps penetrating through you,
like a newly sharpened spear,
and you believe im somewhat of a psycho,
when you are the real psycho,
my evil eye is righteous in its cause,
like a medieval spearman knight,
of anti-heroism and anti-valour,
nonetheless,
for righteousness,
'tis my will

How To Release Massive Energy

2009-01-04T17:34:00.000-08:00

By the way this isn't fictional or untrue, it just happens that noone seem to know what this is, this technique of releasing massive electromagnetic energy, therefore I have not found any professionals' answers on this, because noone actually knows, other than me ofcourse, who have been experiencing with the technique and maybe some other people, but otherwise the technique is shown in Japanese martial-arts animes and the sort. In Bleach the animé for ex. releasing reiatsu (spiritual energy), and afterwards becomes depleted, so my assumption is it is inspired originally from reality or they wouldn't find inspiration to make those techniques in martial-arts animé shows.

I heard some rumours on a forum where we discussed this sort of thing and I've come to think it has something to do either with blood type, bloodline, or survival instinct (strong instincts), or something about metabolism (anabolism, catabolism related?) can't know for sure. All I know is that it is obviously a very rare gift that few (if any) have had any experience/knowledge of. Guessing it can be used for either creation (positive) or destruction (negative). I could maybe think that it is Kundalini-awakening, but it is based on certain triggering 'commanding' rather than just pure spontaneity. If it is indeed Kundalini-awakening, it is a 'trigger-controlled' Kundalini-awakening, which I've personally never read about before.

I remember when I was a little child. I was very active, outgoing, and I remember some times when I did something that I now later have seen Tibetan Buddhist-monks do in one of their 'secret' techniques. I jumped from a picnic table and down into a sandbox - landing in a sitting posture, much like lotus position - posture was taken in mid-air and then landing heavily in a static and stilled way. I didn't get hurt either, and I dunno why I did it, but for some reason I did it several times for some days, and then I can't remember doing it any more. It is to my surprise now that this can actually trigger Kundalini-awakening (the coiled serpent from the base of the spine). Mayhap it was the case. All I know is that I experience the symptoms of those who have awakened their Kundalini energy. And I am getting it's symptoms everytime I do this technique. I wonder if the supreme oscillating electromagnetic energy that surfaces is depleted, or burned up in the process.. can't say for sure as of yet. All I know is that it is better than any orgasm, any orgasmic feeling, it is far beyond, different.. like a very temporary cosmic/meditative orgasm. Through my processes of meditating, doing yoga, generally increasing prana or this universal life energy they call it I find that my 'releasing' technique only gets stronger and more intense.. it is now quite massive, but I fear to use it because I don't know for sure if it depletes me of my prana/universal life energy, as if tapping the source for temporary omni-potency. *grins*

Oh well. This'll be all.

So if you happen to know about this etcetera. Maybe you can do this sort of thing, if so, contact me and we can find out about this stuff. Meta-physicist stuff is a very interesting scientific subject.

Beyond that.. I don't want to give out too much information.. because I don't want to give it out to just anyone.. so.. whatever.

Comment To Someone's Recreative Habits Of The Week

2009-01-04T07:07:00.000-08:00

"Need to regularly express myself, use to use a journal. Now here. But when I get stuck...."

Journalism is great stuff! But, like, it feels totally unnecessary when posting so much thoughts in here. I got a really nice journal with a dragon on the front and the dragon's backside on the back, it was a gift from someone I 'dated' a time back but we decided it was best to move on, didn't really work out the way we thought, so decided to just end the.. urm companionship, that what it's called? *confused* Anyway, it's the most awesomest journal I've ever had, maybe I'll be taking a picture and upping it on the site, if anyone'd like to see.

"exercise or get outside in the sun, nature"

But where IS the sun nowadays? If only I'd find the sun! Them gibberlings and kobolds say it has gone into.. slumberous duties. Nature, aight. Cold here though, but we got ourselves a huge ass forest up here with miles of path into the yet unknown depth of the forestry. Haven't seen rosemary elves yet, though, but a yeti-baboon stomping quickly past my vertigo in the distance - an albino squirrel jollily chasing the frightened yeti-baboon. Oh my he was scared to death that huge baboon. Needless to say our albino squirrels are quite bloodthirsty. You should see them some time, just remember to pick up on a bazooka and an industrial helmet. Wa-heeee....

"meditate on a scene from each season and then let it go into the next."

Sounds nice...

"repeat a prayer over and over again until racing thoughts go away"

And I can't believe Clint Eastwood had to pay two-thousand dollars to get instruction on transcendental meditation, which is just getting made your own random mantra and repeating it until your mind gets tired enough and retreats into some place in the head that people pay two-thousand dollars to go? LOL.

Reiki, ask for a blessing from my "spirit guides".

You can actually become a Reiki Grand Master without any external guidance. Hahah. It's simply thinking positive, transferring positive vibrations that oscillate out of you as an auric field and holding your hand where they have ache, headache, tension-headache etc. I wonder how Reiki works with more severe problems..

"Emotions. Getting in touch with emotions helps. Also, I like colors, anything colorful like a good movie with lots of colors in it."

Seen movie '23' with Jim Carrey? Nice scenarios, moods, lightwork. Also Bloodrayne has nice scenarios, sorta based on the video-game, but it's kinda nice nature and adventuring feel in it. Not such a bad movie as people may say if you like colors and backpacking adventuring.

Just Another Thought

2009-01-03T11:03:00.000-08:00

If we but refine ourselves enough to become aware of the subtler sensation, what if everything is there, always is, we just haven't a clue it's there, and whenever we become aware of what we were clueless of before, that we suddenly find to be reality, but at the same time finding out that what we already believe in to be true, is false, because our mind interprets in a limited manner?

An illusion because of limited/unrefined sensory perception, therefore sensory perception cannot feel/see?

Are our universal/infinite self our soul? Is soul beyond pure awareness? Is it beyond our grasp to learn about it's residence in ourselves?

Is the soul indeed the essence of our awareness, beyond our ability to be aware of, because we are immediately stimulated by the exterior world once we open our eyes as a newborn child?

--

And what about awareness. What is it? How are we able to define it's level or degree/quality? If there is integral awareness, what is then the opposite of that - external awareness? Is that detachment of self, and means of great suffering only?

Sullenness.. And Pantaloonies!

2008-12-28T05:30:00.000-08:00

I wear a patch.

As to properly hold myself back from releasing into an uncertain emotional breakthrough.

I am actually still nervous, and always there are subtle signs of warnings, as if one planted before a cliff of negative uncertainty, but yet, certainly one of constricted breathing and fatalism, overriding my somnolent, drugged astral atmosphere, like the blue screen of death.

Oh the god of murdor, he is fatal in his judgement, yet so is death. Like a double-edged weapon. Quite sharp - not dense really.

While they still think this sullenness I resort into is my constant resentment, I am not actually there, but they are happy to know I am atleast somewhere miserable, so they can safely dish out their hungry ego, that for a moment of need for satisfaction, becomes relentless, and surprising as it may seem, I come to admit I was one of them as well, just a while ago, but a long while ago.

Now I am supposedly this saviour of, atleast mine self. Like a wielder of two exotic-looking swords, that shine brightly in it's heroic flavour. That is meant for heroic proportions as well.

But I'm more of an anti-hero.

I just seem quite nice, as if I -'never'ad'- resided in the darkness that dwells within any man and woman, which unfortunately(?), I have been residing in for almost my entire life.

How can they see such good in me when I am wearing an utterly pitch-black thrilling shadow?

Are they trying to coax the coaxer?

If it could affect me, there's the smallest possibility of being inflicted the good old gash of the pig-sticker?
Perhaps making me ill again?

Can the seemingly indomitable be dominated through certain patterns of hardcore flattery if but my crack is left out even just a little to peek at the outside voyeur beyond the restricted underworld of pantaloons?

The 'ole Path

2008-12-28T04:17:00.000-08:00

Meditation.
Ahh, the old path.
The path that leads to those old trails.
Of mine own identity.
There are plenty.
In fact.
I'm not the one I think I am.
I'm the other person.
The one that is not actually here.
But he resides.
Deep within.
I know it.
I have acknowledged his presence.

But he was always here.
Just not.
In my current awareness.
Or never ever in my life.
Until now ofcourse.
Now that things are where it is.
As I have revealed what is beneath the theatrical carpet.
The one of illusion.
The one we often are entrapped in.
Get entangled in.
And losing our ability.
To remain present.
Because.
We think the mind is the master.
When in fact.
Nothing is.
I just reside, in this vehicle, temporarily divided.
But once realised, united.
I am, one, or two. And nothing.
But what I know, is.
That I know nothing.

[DB] Naruto Shippuuden 90 (Hinata is my fav. female char.)

2008-12-25T23:24:00.000-08:00

Watch [DB] Naruto Shippuuden 90 Subbed in Anime | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

YouTube Comments And General Randomness

2008-12-25T01:12:00.000-08:00

"Nn-yess. The subtle pre-meditated innocence containing of random cleavage and general 'fan service', and the humorous laid back slapstick used to cover it all up makes for a good video release. Why not go for the higher ups of 'viewed' by dressing up as a Japanese school-girl in it's proper outfit? I certainly know I would comment. *warm smile* With the apparent sudden and random need to utilise my infamous one-handed writing skills. *whole face morphs into that of the cheesy one, looking half greedy, half perverted*"

--

"There is always someone more miserable than you that wants you to share in their pain."

--

"A bit of wisdom there, for one so young it is quite fascinating to hear, what you say, how easily you can make choices and find healthier living. Eating several times per day makes your digestive system busy and it can actually be demanding on the body, so eating less, slowing down the mind, living, experiencing, simple living, that's natural living. It's a more stable kind of living. More stable state of mind. It's the place you should be in if you want to feel as if you're actually living. I know it's harsh. We, as one, need a wake up call though. We're far off in materialistic idiocy, waste of time and human life.. That's my two cents."

Weird Experience Yesterday, Hard to Explain (Lateral Thinking?)

2008-12-21T17:55:00.000-08:00

There's this meditation technique Alistair Crowley learned where one is supposed to sit down quietly without distractions and ask yourself questions and answer intuitively-like, from your understanding.

Series of questions conjure forth upon insufficient depth of your answers and your mind attempts to go deeper to find the next series of answers, until you need to go deeper and deeper in order to even find an explanation. Once you're really quite deep your intuitive 'mind' dominates, (I think) and you find all manner of weird patterns of approach and thinking in order to solve a 'riddle', one at a time, then another becomes solved because of the previous riddle solved, and then a chain of 'mystery' can be revealed, thus giving you small insights. As if small enlightenments.

I'll try to make some, (abstract) examples, because I find it difficult to explain properly.

The form of lateral thinking yesterday, (a little surprising way of thinking for me, haven't done it very much as I can recall atleast) was able to pour me with small illuminations of insights, and gave me a feeling of absolute certainty, (intuitive certainty).

1. What am I doing here, in this dark space?

2. Why am I even trying to figure out what I am doing, isn't doing just doing something?

3. If I don't figure out the purpose, how can it serve as a purpose, and why would I do it then?

4. My mind seems to be irritated by the fact that I am not able to mentally explain the meaning of my conduct.

5. But. I am obviously still doing something regardless, whether I figure out precisely what, right? And it's specific purpose, right?

6. No and yes. I am confused. Is that a necessity for even becoming irritated, and with that irritation be able to realise that I am being deluded by a spell of maya (illusion) cast by my own rational mind?

7. Why would my own mind, that of my being, be creating confusion to seemingly annoy me?

8. The difference of contentment, I feel as of now, of the moment, certainly relies on my ability to ignore the fact that I am angry at my own creation, my mind's endless spells of illusions.

9. *I ignore it completely and questions stop coming.*

10. *I have travelled a bit deeper into myself without being aware of it, without monitoring it, it was a moment, but I did not consciously notice it.*

11. Was that a moment of meditation?

12. *Suddenly a whole lot of new questions conjure forth, at the same time previous questions are answered. I am certain that the questions before my unmonitored moment of 'meditation', that seemingly allowed me to enter deeper, was a necessity in a sense that they allowed me to become annoyed at my own thinking-patterns enough to completely decline them, thus realising the value of not being able to answer an illusive dilemma, nor monitoring anything at all. Just being the empty space of nothingness, until I notice what I have lain behind me.*

13. Perhaps the purpose is to experience the illusion of the mind. And the ecstasy of learning the value of simply letting go, which seemingly seems to be an art in itself for the deep thinker, in false beliefs that his/her own, (illusive mind; (of maya) will be able to answer the all-conjuring thoughts of no end. Perhaps it is a test of patience, that of also testing it and killing it, in order for him/her, to let go?

(14.) First Answer:
I realised now that. In everyday life, one cannot tolerate all things and still be content. In order to grow on things we need to utterly fail in every thing. Failing is like realising you are losing, and have finally lost. Then you have accepted it and are emotionally revitalised, by not denying the truth.

(15.) Second Answer:
The sayings like 'emotional purification', 'purification through suffering', 'purification on the cross', 'suffering is a means of purification' suddenly gets a whole new meaning..

(16.) Third Answer:
Suffering is a necessity sometimes, as a sometimes forced means of learning the rules of emotional purification. Suffering is also honesty, but denial of suffering is true suffering. That is the painful path indeed. The value of acceptance is immense, as it is a means to purification in several ways).

(This is perhaps not the best example of my yesterday Lateral thinking, but it was somewhat sufficient for now. Maybe I'll work on it later/some day/ or @@~--~just give up~--~@@ (lol)).

Comment On How To Benefit From The Spritual Intellect By Knowing The Basics

2008-12-20T03:28:00.000-08:00

J. I am simply too tired to explain any more at this current time. (I'm going to take a resty rest). But what you can do is search/look up;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhagavad_Gita

or/and;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yoga_Sutras

and hopefully you'll be able to find your way there, just taking a quick overview, there will be many answers there for you to learn if you are open to it's knowledge.

Or I could try a real short one.

..

You know when you read a book..? Suddenly you arrest yourself of being very in-the-moment because maybe your ego came in-between and pulled you off the sentence of a longer context, and you have to read that whole large column of text again in order to understand the whole meaning of what you were about to understand. Right? Well, if your ego didn't come up at any time reading the book you would just be concentrating effortlessly, enjoying and getting to understand the larger context of the text on each page.

..

..That's a synchronising pattern, if you can do that, then the longer you can keep your mind fixed onto the original focal point, or shall we say, the task at hand, and that will in itself enable you to enter deeper, creating the longer and stronger patterns that narrows as you develop it (the pattern).

---Note; it's really the most difficult in the beginning, when your mind has yet to understand silence - and conjure up ideas and notions based on impatience caused by lack of discipline.---

--Noteworthy also; if you expect anything you might fail miserably, or you could be 'lucky'.--

-Sometimes reading about the more common spiritual scriptures can enable you to develop a spiritual non-egotistic intellect, and you'll have advantages, compared to before reading it, because you then have a certain spiritually adapted moral norm or approach that in itself is a beneficial tool of great knowledge for means of going directly inside, in the right manner for self-inquiry, in order to pass the guarded bridge, without having to swim the cold river, like I had to do (lol). Aka. the common mistakes that the noob usually makes.-

Best regards,
and good luck seeking and finding, for what you truly seek, you shall definitely find,

seeker Espen.

Double-Sarcastic Countering Reply To The Sarcastic

2008-12-20T02:37:00.000-08:00

Inspiring.. Very encouraging speech.

..

Satirical fatalism isn't much more solitary than the benefit hypochondria grants the afflicted, in my view case.

Best regards though,
may you find what you are looking for in your soup or pudding, whether it be Jesus or post-enlightenment.

..

It's obviously better to stop using the brain in cases of tremendous worry... seemingly safer to close the eyes or eat some pudding, like mr. john, in order to gain illumination from the mere presence of the, served famous tri-shaped pudding.

A Letter To A Similar Soul-Being.

2008-12-20T02:07:00.000-08:00

"I really got your posting on enlightenment. Whatever or wherever you are, I'm feeding into the same plane. The point you make on the transient nature of the awakened state is resonating: swimming upstream is such a good metaphor. And each time I come back, it's as if I'm a child again, yet a wiser, older, younger child. A key to the whole experience is knowing how to operate within perceived reality and not pushing the boundaries too far from people's ordinary understanding."

--

It warms my empty heart to know that someone understands it the same way I do. It is a relief to know you have experience from this as well. Thanks for commenting on my page, I really appreciate it.

I say empty heart because of the depth of the world I see now, and it seems like rooms have gotten bigger, generally things have gotten a bit more interesting, with the depth and all, in an all-changing way, depending on whether I practice a little or invest my whole day going harder and looking deeper, in search of discovering new layers.

I feel weird sometimes, as if something is unfolding before me, yet I do not know what it is yet, it may just be my intuition spotting certain things and collecting subtle things in my deeper subconsciousness. I have these weird feelings, and I suddenly feel at unease/unsafe sometimes, but most of all I feel the need to experience more, maybe I'm starting to get greedy.. the desire to find out more.. well.. Anyway, it's just so hollow and silent from my perceived little world..

Unfortunate it is that I don't have any friends who have such interests, like those dreamy, noisy, energy-spaces I almost feel 'trapped into' sometimes. I realise it's not permanent, but I'm going upstream no matter, I'm tired of living solely on the physical plane, even though it's even more lonely, (esp. if you don't have any friends who are accompanying you in that kinda mental state of mind/awareness, which I unfortunately don't have at the time being).

I'm going to see how far I can get without getting myself hurt. I've always been like that, I don't give up on what I believe in, no matter how hard it is.

I also noticed my goosebumps feel more like a massive surge of energy rising within my body, the more i practice pranayama, the more intense/real it surfaces. And I find myself being able to control it to some places, but I try to just let it flow wherever it wants to go. It's usually from the base of the spine (around tail bone I'm thinking, and growing as it surges upwards, filling my whole inner space, and going all the way up to the back of my head and releasing alot of electromagnetic energy/waves. And it's really easy to see my own auric waves then, I can also compare it with other's energy, I can read their aura after I meditated and find out if they are telling the truth, or I sense something is wrong with their pranic contour around their body/their electromagnetic waves.

--

"You are a natural teacher and communicator Eldnord."

--

I don't know about that, as of yet, I am still figuring things out. Although I feel I'm starting to get the whole image of myself proper, increased sense of identity etc. I'm starting to think that there's not much else to search for inside of my inner space, it only gets bigger, and I feel more detached from the physical life with my family etc. they might not perceive me as I perceive myself, since I have an understanding of why I am who I am and my reasons for acting the way I am at times.

From now on I'm going to focus on making personal achievements that are non-selfish. I think we're all one, once the ego is safely isolated from interrupting the natural cycle of things, but yes, I actually have had a need to teach away what I already know to someone who's actually interested about spirituality. So far people have taken distance, because they think it's an extreme belief, but they haven't seen the other side of the coin either, so they can't believe in what they can't yet see. Maybe I shouldn't waste my time on telling about my inner deepest thoughts.. they are probably surreal to most people. What I found out here was that everyone was so much more open and willing to question, instead of declining first-handedly.

Days feel like weeks, I am atleast certain I am oriented in the current moment, the now, and not thinking about tomorrow, or all things I have done wrong in the past. The now is equally important, or probably even more. Thoughts are still many, and they make things seem slow sometimes, but being in the current moment is pretty much necessary in order to manipulate time, and in order to correct the posture in concentration, toward meditation - when all of a sudden, you begin to flow effortlessly and time has temporarily withdrawn from the mind's sensory perception and we can reap the benefits of void, seemingly timeless space - instead of just having 'free time' with limited space.

This'll have to suffice for now.

Best regards,
seeker Espen.

Chakra Balancing Yoga Breathing Meditation

2008-12-17T17:11:00.000-08:00

Again, Anmol Mehta teaching how to balance the Chakras using a Mudra suited for the Alternate Nostrol Breathing technique. (This is a very powerful technique, please take it seriously if you intend to practice it daily, as it will change your brain hemisphere activity and balance your Chakras, and it will even out all your energy throughout the whole body in order to cure imbalance).

Description:
Profound Yoga Breathing Exercise (Pranayama) to balance all the chakra points and awaken Kundalini Energy to flow through Shushumna Nadi (Central Psychic Channel).

YouTube: Breath of Fire Kundalini Yoga Breathing Exercise

2008-12-17T15:21:00.000-08:00

Anmol Mehta, a Kundalini Yoga-teacher teaching Breath of Fire in three different ways, from easiest to more advanced method. Everyone, no matter age and health or weight can do the beginner's version of Breath of Fire and reap it's benefits. They are described below. My advice is listen well to the guy, if you wanna do it correctly and get the immediate benefits, otherwise you'll end up doing some other weird exercise, lol.

Description:
Key Kundalini Yoga Breathing Exercise with a huge list of benefits, including, opening energy pathways in the body, detoxifying the system, weight loss, vitality, relaxation in body and mind, and more.

Dedication To The Long Road Of Breath Mastery - Devouring Slumber Begone! (Poem)

2008-12-16T11:44:00.000-08:00

the second of three children
the gloomy one
but i can see things!
through the looking glass
i see the shadows of man and woman
and even as seemingly elusive as i am..
still the only one revealing their dusk
exposing it upon the world

i spin fairytales
layers upon layers
patterns upon patterns
like a web of insight
i feel withered as i grow now
i feel lighter, smaller, but somehow big too
soon i will be tiny, and after that perhaps vanish
becoming more earthbound than ever
isolated completely!
yet more attuned than ever
to the ethereal and the stars

but first i must disappear into myself
to appear before my self
the long dedicated journey to breath mastery
to become the wind
to achieve nothingness
to cease existence
to awaken - as the newborn child enters the world
awakened, and now, protected from the devouring slumber
that once had me fooled to think i was too lazy to live!

Writings Of No End, And Brain Waves

2008-12-16T11:35:00.000-08:00

Doctrinarian pseudo-energist susceptibly exposed and sometimes hypnotised by human things concerning their energy through inventive super-speculative extreme caution acquiring mental hyper-sensitivity resulting in benefits of third-eye searching eventually pathing to a rune-carved stone granting activation of the third eye harvesting the manifestation of psychic abilities continuing mindfully somatic - reeking of consummation of self-obsessive energy avoiding social relations in favour of neurotic self-centred narcissism leashed compassionately within moral laws of the lawless cosmic panorama one has the blind tendency to see,

or just a proclaimed hypersensitive.

The Secret.. Well, One Of Many (Poem)

2008-12-16T11:33:00.000-08:00

the "better" people.
they know stuff.
about philosophy.
about meditation.
they know that part about concentration.
in order to detatch yourself from the material, static world.
and withdraw yourself.
in yourself.
to get aquainted with yourself.
and your senses.
your more subtle.
after knowing this.
hardly, they are "better" people.
just more knowledgeable.
in ways of life.
perhaps they just luckily stumbled across it.
and they keep it their secret.
not sharing with anyone.
because they want to feel special.
it would make any person ten times as attractive.
that is the secret.
well.
one of MANY.

Over-Active Upper Energy Type In My Ajna Center And Sahasrara Center?

2008-12-14T14:43:00.001-08:00

Ok, so according to various resources and forum talks I have an over active mental energy. Both my Ajna Chakra and Sahasrara Chakra are in great activity. (My amount of daily mental tasks and processes would explain that, I guess.) My active Sahasrara Chakra helped open my Ajna Chakra and they are both over-active now. That would explain my ache/headache and moderately pulling sensation becoming quite unpleasant at times. It's completely random, I have no control of it. According to the 'resources', I will have to endure it and for a very long time it seems, as I have opened certain recent pathways from Chakra centers which again open up new pathways for energic streams to surge through, which may be accompanied by pricking, stinging, cold, heat etc. type of sensations and notions. Nothing 'too' new I hope.

In a sense I suppose it is time for my ego to grow a bit then, since with all my new psychic abilities and all should allow me to feel omni-potent to a minor degree. It's interesting though, anyhow, since those Chakras are the most difficult to open and awaken. I'm guessing the others are already opened, except not my heart area very much. I'm not feeling very emotional of days. I'm more of a mental machine, thinking and having vivid experiences. Things have indeed gotten interesting since just a short while of a couple of months back, when I was less omni-potent.

Reminds me of my thoughts about the ego in the expanded level. As in the good healthy, developed ego. That of letting the ego mature into super-ego for means of acquiring rightful knowledge. That of taking pride in consuming knowledge and have good reason to be confident in your current interpretation and understanding of texts, and your little world. In fact, you'll even put pride in you own posture whilst reading. I guess what I'm trying to say is, just see yourself as a source that can obtain serious achievement through confidence and determination. On the contrary, the narrow-minded ego, the ego of selfishness and grandiosity is not necessarily a good placement at all when learning, neither when you're reading. It is more of the subtle super-ego I'm talking about, the ego in it's expanded sense, the 'above' ego called super-ego, that is becoming aware of how your own narrow type of ego can suppress your own ability to learn, communicate in a realistic, normative manner in order to understand some what is more important than yourself in a bigger scale kinda way. To play within the circle of society's norm, as not not become marked, frozen out, or even stigmatised by the players of the society's super-ego norm.

I do believe it's necessary to play these roles sometimes, because we are limited beings with limited understanding. We cannot understand every human being, that would be far too much to understand anyhow. So we invent and adapt to a larger scale of psychodrama that makes it easier to have a common connection and understanding as a whole.

Hopefully you'll not misunderstand super-ego as to something negative. Or even ego for that matter. Just the word in itself has the tendency to conjure up negative associations in some people's minds..

Concentration, On Fixed Gaze, Trance, And Atomic Plane Discovery

2008-12-14T12:39:00.000-08:00

The path to enlightenment and the higher states of consciousness is actually the kind of fixed concentration that should be or become effortless after a while. After creating a synchronising pattern, you are fixing your mind on one-pointedness. That is actually the only means for entering trance-states as far as I've experienced.

Gazing for example can get you quickly into a state of blankness, there'd be negative image perception after a while, soon come ripples, the ripples become larger and move around.

This is the trance I'm talking about, it's done through fixed concentration on a certain point or object. You may also be able to enter into the layer above energy plane, called atom plane.

To know so you'd have to be able to see your own energy around you like particles, note, --oozing-- out of your limbs.

It's the highest consciousness and awareness I've been able to achieve so far, for the limited time of the intense meditation I had, which was quite mentally exhausting and I became weary. It was a discovery to find there was a level beyond energy plane to see for myself.

Rooms get a certain depth, it's far from empty, believe me, the atmosphere is there, some just don't see it before they start their meditative practices, etc.

I wonder if I'll be able to get atom level integrated into my near-future perceived reality. I've already gotten quite used to the energy plane integrated into physical plane, pranic auras are mostly viewable, but not the more subtle aura that goes way far out. I enjoy the thrill of just being around.. in various places. My life is gradually becoming more liquid-like, movements give fade-outs. Hopefully it's not a bad thing. Hopefully I'm not mad either.

I believe through concentration, eventually as it becomes of the effortless type, as it usually tends to become after the mind has been gagged, you'll be able to improve you awareness in a way that improves your ability to interact with the world around you. It works much like a temporary boost of consciousness. Concentration will eventually unfold to meditation, as long as you contain of and manage to maintain a one-pointedness. And that's when you will stop worrying about how often you should practice and be succumbed to practice in fascination of what strange, wondrous things shall happen to you over time..

(Your intuition may believe meditation is some sort of crack, which it is, to some extent, and you'll be pulled toward practising more and more, deeper and deeper. Going towards something.. You've yet to find out.)

HOWEVER: There is a thing to note here. Ahimsa (non-violence) toward how you treat yourself in all manner of approaches and walks. That includes treating yourself in a good way when you are experimenting with your own psyche in your discovery for your inner world. Also, I would say, never practice third eye meditation from a youtube video. I have done so and have often a moderate ache in my third eye area. It's like a pulling sensation and it can be quite dangerous for your psyche. I actually regret doing those practices since it often hurts when it's being active. It turns active at random times, I have little control of it. At first I thought it was a remarkable thing, but it is actually quite annoying. It's near painful at times. Besides guess how weird I feel. I dunno what the heck I've gotten into here, I'm actually a bit scared of my own mental health at this moment. So please take this as an advice, some meditation techniques and practices can and will be dangerous if not guided in a class by a good, experienced and qualified teacher!

(And yes, I'll be fine somehow. Cheers.)

Martyr Babble (Poem)

2008-12-14T10:20:00.001-08:00

most humanoids seem reliable
not me ofcourse
i'm different
like everyone else
in some context or way
the reliable ones are safe
they are safely netted from falling down to sufferable states
which happens to be my spiritual domain, and general inhabitance
through the 'so called' drudgery of days

they call it something fearful
but they don't realise it's potential
because
they are not potent in this path, of introversion
their way never concerned the path
it is a rare one
i certainly am
and it is my personal spiritual domain
the downed state of being
with an overload of imagery to pick from
i am one that has become experienced in observation
although they can read me through if i let them
i do not wish it
it's my own state, and i will never allow illumination
it would reveal a vulnerable me
that the others could observe
a mind of a martyr
whom people could infuse their spirit onto
and dowse me with their personal consort
and cleanse me, and redeem me
as if i was sickeningly corrupted
so i can kneel down in repentance
and show gratitude as a newborn child
and lose my monochrome and dark state
replaced with the colours they spoke of
that become me as one of their newborn

but i never sought to delve into the general
or piss through the mainstream
and be the statist they heed us to stay as

you do not know who they are
but as with many things, i assure you
they exist
the ones who wish to leash us compassionately
but have intentions bolder and grander
than ancient rome, with it's grand colosseum

therefore
i create illusions
keeping everyone wondrous, scratching their head
they are not nostradamus
i am better off safe like this
so i can grasp their wondrous images of fuzzy confusion
and smile for a day or two, or maybe through the whole week
these are humans unlike me
sheeped and controlled by the man with the stave
who may oversee more than enough
than his moral values can allow
he or she, is just as corrupted
as the disease they believe i am afflicted by

but i am the human unlike them
and i do not wish to be cleansed or purified in a shrine

i accept that we only share existence
and it is enough for us to exist together
needless to communicate
for me
existing is more than enough
the 'so called' gift of life
or rather a curse

Master of The Elements (Poem)

2008-12-14T10:19:00.001-08:00

dancing to the heartbeat
samurai sword swinging with the techniques he knows
slashing through the waterfall
the elements of the world, he learned them
sneaking through the invisible creaks of meta-physicism
levitating on air
and travelling the cosmos

Illogic Delusions Of Logics

2008-12-14T10:04:00.000-08:00

(evil)
if relevance is two, irrelevance is one
if irrelevance is obedience - obedience is enforced with punishment by the matron mother ov execution
if relevance is disobedience - disobedience is enforced with reward by the matron mother ov reward
(good)
if relevance is one, irrelevance is two
if relevance is obedience - obedience is enforced with reward by the father ov reward
if irrelevance is disobedience - disobedience is enforced with punishment by the father ov execution
(fact)
if evil is outnumbered by good - evil is converted to good
if good is outnumbered by evil - good is converted to evil
if conversion is evil - religion is evil
if religion is evil and good - conversion is always evil

(event triggered; evil is true, good is false)
if evil is true, valid is relevant
if good is true, valid is irrelevant

evil is now percieved as good
good is percieved as evil

conclusion:
delusions that some religions create may seem contradictory, seen only if analysed and carefully broken down and studied. behind a carpet of lies there can be found truth, your truth, not theirs, their truth is a lie to you, your truth is a lie to them, because they are mystics of the fine art of projecting hypocrisy of fallacy

Harvest Festival (Poem)

2008-12-14T10:02:00.000-08:00

pixies, crosses, fire-dance and apple-pie
the yearly quota of harvest delicately placed on tables
the bonfire crackles, occasionally conjuring forth rustic pipe-dreams of bold intrigue and jolly laughter
the festivities, they never cease
ebony-dressed women playfully arouse garmented men with seductive persuasiveness
they step inside the circled perimeter of crosses and undress each other, beginning the ritual of mating
and the harvest festival, hath already ended

Calmness (Poem)

2008-12-14T09:38:00.000-08:00

easy is a state of mind
letting things come as natural
never bickering upon that which is a cantankerous
or forcing upon
if the mind is calm, the body is calm
and the being is calm
and everything is easy
force is unnecessary
calmness is ultimately the greatest strength
and life is indeed easy where need be

Short On Ego (Poem)

2008-12-13T21:26:00.000-08:00

Ego becomes bigger, like a blossoming.
As it gets it's nurture from the glorious rays of the sun it dries a tad, over time.
And it becomes used to the warmth of the sun.
It doesn't need as much nurture any more.
It is sun-dried and matured.
It is content with the overall well-being of just being the manifestation of love.
It becomes a vehicle of love and goodness.
And then it dissolves gradually, the flower has matured fully and is withering.
The ego is becoming unnecessary, for there is great joy in being the everlasting vehicle of pure love, of good intent.

All is goodness, for all that exists.
All is love, for all that exists.
All is one, and of love.
The ego has completely dissolved.

Don't Expect To Find Sense In A Dark Cove Of Incoming Mind-Raping Word-Salad Bats

2008-12-13T21:05:00.000-08:00

Don't expect to find any sense, anywhere, really. While at this place ye be bound to my rules, of either extreme silliness, of utter black, (or white?) randomness, or of mild mind-violence, or sometimes all of them in a gravy of a word-salad with special nose picked croutons in it. And you'll mayhap spend a minute of disorientation creating a severe headache and creeping aggravation, eventually blossoming into the destructive character you may not want to be known as other than in the needy dark corner in your room where you've always been plotting evil with your more vicious thoughts of little holiness. More that of devil-worshipping! And good is that.

The Madness That Ensues Whilst Trying To Find Means Of Explaining Something.. Weird, I Think I Forgot... Ahh.. 'Floaters'

2008-12-13T21:00:00.000-08:00

A stage in my meditation of internalising myself I began to see these, the deeper I internalised my consciousness the more I become aware of. My guess is they exist for all it's just that those who have not internalised their consciousness to a certain degree of internal perception will never notice them. So the deeper we go inside the more we can find of such things and we can go around any worry about these ridiculous things. Did you know, you only are aware of that which you are conscious off, so simply by worrying so much about this thing you can see more of it and make it worse. It's perfectly normal I assure you, it's just that through an internal consciousness you are bound to see inner things. Just like inner emotions, if you pay attention to them you become more sore and emotional. Those who don't see them most probably do not have an internalised perception.

================( o)

Let's make an example. (The above is the eye)

You see this is an eye. Even though the eye is all out there doesn't mean that we 'see' from directly the eye. If we gaze or focus on these particles we can actually use it as a tool to internalise ourselves to experience a deeper, inner world within. I can't believe you're making such a big fuzz about this, it's actually a sign of a deeper perception, you should be lucky you are internalised, it is a 'high quality' state of mind many could only dream of. It is a point of gaze and tool in introspection, nothing more. Stop worrying, we all have it, some are just less conscious off it and so will never notice it.

Our inner perception of consciousness is usually way deeper than from directly the eye. The eye is like a vortex, like a black hole, it's simply a lens, a filter. Even though we see, through the eye doesn't mean we see directly from the eye, our consciousness is usually from a deeper conscious state. The more we learn to meditate, internalise etc. we will experience an inner world that is actually the only natural state of being, it is pureness itself, because it takes us far away from the hustle and bustle of the exterior world outside ourselves. The material world.

Screaming Again (Poem)

2008-12-13T20:56:00.000-08:00

to be as honest in acceptance of feeling good as with acceptance of feeling bad.
surrendering to the mindlessness, for the endless conjuration of mental chatter may never stop.
and the more they are allowed to shroud your consciousness, the more you will be deluded.
others will be fooled to think you are selfish, when in fact, you strive for selflessness, although they will never understand that.
and you shall suffer so much, needlessly, but you will not even see why anymore.
because you are too busy choking the fact that you are indeed suffering.. and suffering, like a tumour, it grows within the flesh, becoming larger and larger, until you have to scream, like a banshee.
somehow, miraculously, you feel relieved!
but you are certain that you will have to come back and scream again.
and again.
and again.

The World Beyond Our Regular Consciousness And Restricted Mind (Part Two)

2008-12-13T18:31:00.000-08:00

I believe there is a deeper subconscious realm that is an integral world beyond what most people have seen and can even comprehend. In-between there are places (as there are layers of realms) of deep emotions, of emotional freedom of both pain and love, there are places we are exposed of our true self, our true natural state of being and behaving.

The only means for redemption may very well be self-inquiry through meditation directed toward our subconsciousness.

Even that is not enough to enter the dreamy haven of the true unseen world beyond! For there are still other lesser realms to distract you from the true purpose. Although fine realms, not the true haven beyond our limited mind. We are often tempted to stay there in moderate welfare and being.. of moderate pleasure. But it is not the place of unity of souls, it is in fact quite far from the absolute.

There are both dreamy, ethereal and tranquil havens, but when we finally wake up we forget our true nature and are restricted by the consciousness of the ego that spins false stories upon false notions of an impermanent reality of limited perception.

Other than meditation in waking life we find deeper places in our rest, ofcourse, we rarely remember anything of how it was like, no matter how good it was, even if our soul was indulged in unlimited pleasure! We can not go there.. not before we have purified ourselves through toning and cleansing our body and mind, not until we have resolved our knots (granthis) that block the subtle energy channels (nadis). When we are ready, we will be led, all will be effortless. You will be led toward the absolute.

The World Beyond Our Regular Consciousness And Restricted Mind (Part One)

2008-12-13T18:25:00.000-08:00

My intuition have grasped onto occasional vivid glimpses from my slumbers in subconscious resting states. It conjures up things at random times whilst awake in my daily life when I am not distracted by the exterior, material realm. I realise that the perceived exterior realm is subjective in a sense that we can only see what we are. Some might consider pranayama meditation and bandha-exercise a self-empowering tool, in which we gradually discover what happens when the nervous system is strengthened for example, and the various effects pranayama can give. Random waves of heat, cold, electromagnetic sensations and what it's suspect notions in the body feels like.

Perhaps through discovering deep contemplative moments that sweep you away for only just a momentum.. you experience what it's like to be in mindlessness.. to just be the empty observer.. to be free for once..

Perhaps as you expand your consciousness, as you withdraw your senses inward, as you attune into the aspect of spiritual awareness you see things like familiar images, deja-vu, feelings of deepness and of curiosity, of great enthusiasm to find the best means for self-inquiry to travel inside, toward inner, integral consciousness, because you seem to have gotten the understanding through intuition that there is something far more interesting than the current exterior reality.

--

A simple exercise:

We can actually discover an inner world within. Is it really true you say? Inner world? How is that possible?

Sit in a comfortable position in some place comfortable so you are not distracted. Focus on being aware of your own breath, take slow, deep breaths, keep the texture and quality of breath the same, keep the same pace, inhale, exhale, 8 seconds inhale, 8 seconds exhalation.

Focus completely on the above instructions and if the mind falters (as it has the tendency to do all the time) bring it back. Once you are doing it effortlessly it means you are in the current moment, you are completely in the now.

To deepen the practice itself you should need to refine your breath and find means to refine and deepen your consciousness with it. The main point should only be the breath, if you can use it as a focal point to always bring you back on track, you'll eventually experience sensations of calmness, physical and mental relaxation and bliss and serenity. It's a good practice for stilling your mind back to point zero.

--

The point is that through rather simple exercises like this you can discover relaxation tools as a means for overall well-being, as well as tending yourself toward a positive, open-minded, emotional and integral consciousness and awareness. This is just an example of using the breath as a guide to work your way back to point zero, the effortless, relaxant state of being, where you have let go of the suffering the mind, the ego and the heart conjures up randomly at times to corrupt your soul and hold you down. Revolt!

The right path is always integral. Only through what we find deeper inside, may we become deeply fulfilled as a human emotional being. Emotions are always a pain, but the pain is a part of the purification process. It is there to deal with things in order for you to become more beautiful the next day you wake up. Only by going through pain may one say one is swimming upstream, and eventually become the most beautiful creature seen.

My Favorite Quote Findings

2008-12-13T11:09:00.001-08:00

"Maybe they'll never ever in their lifelong endeavour as seekers hear the same as you hear in the whispering winds of nature. It's true, nature holds many a secret and behind many a tree mayhap a trail of forlorn wisdom to unseen adventure. That said, these secrets are most concealed by all manner tricks with seeming insane approaches of inquiry to find signs for means of going deeper in order to see the unseen and finding the final appendix as the end of the layer page. But truly deeper - none of us have gone, but are simply the necessary means for enquiring into the beyond world of vast unseen plains. Well, except for some very few individuals which would generally be considered insane by the sane. However, vaguely true, only correct to those sane enough to rely on the society's convenient set rules of the game of perceived life of non-existent individual meaningfulness. Only a cyborg would rely on outside rules, and spend enough time to be the sheep of set rules. The insane would be long gone, lost within the mind's tendency to entrap those who delve too deep, into the structure of patterns, and finally the matrix. But other than that, a gagged man lives in our mind. And we are sheeplike vehicles of boredom while others are gone in delight, not even within reach, in the beyond place. It has been hushed away this secret place.. None knows it any more. Why, don't ask me, I never knew anything, I am just a black sheep." -- Espen Synnestvedt.

"I am neither enlightened nor un-enlightened, I might be some place in-between, but I let others decide what I am, by letting them reveal to me their perceived reality of my fragmented identity." -- Espen Synnestvedt.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

"Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go." -- Dr. Seuss.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr Seuss.

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." -- Dr. Seuss.

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You." -- Dr. Seuss.

"The most important aspect of freedom of speech is freedom to learn. All education is a continuous dialogue - questions and answers that pursue every problem on the horizon. That is the essence of academic freedom." -- William Orville Douglas.